Continuing on the mad magpie journey with thoughts on separation and loss

Breakfast in the park today. A thermos of rose tea and a couple of slices of my homemade beetroot date and carrot cake. What a creature of habit I’ve become. How easily I attach myself to ways of being. I notice that I always circle the park from the right, up and then down. So today I walk to the left. Down and then up. Immediately the decision feels meaningful. I’d been trying to stay with my feelings of separation and loss. But my body has been saying something else to me, something much less adult. Down to something more primordial. There is a screaming and wailing, loud in me. A lostness and a need to be foundness. Now I’m trying to come back up. To find myself again and I’m not sure I can do this on my own. There’s some memory in me that tells me I should be able to work this through alone. At the same time my experience of working with children who’ve experienced early attachment and separation trauma presents itself to me. When I was working with my young clients I would give myself to them as an instrument for change. It’s essential and tender work. Always in it a sense of deep longing. A silent voice that speaks of physical holding. Of a warmth and acceptance that comes from connection with another. I am reminded of the footage of the Romanian orphans recued in 2009. Victims of extreme neglect. They appear to be trapped inside themselves. Inside. How clever of them to hold themselves when there was nobody else to hold them, but the cost has been so dear because the holding has become a holding in. The containing edge has become a prison.

I speak of this because there is something of this in the ending of a significant relationship for me. It was a relationship filled with potentiality. There was a promise contained of actual holding from the outside and it was never realised. This is what I’m feeling and if I listen to what my body is doing there’s definitely a feeling of my life being endangered. A bolting down of the hatches that happens so quickly and imperceptibly. When I experience this my skin flares-up. I feel like one of those transformer toys. Everything’s hardening and clicking shut and there isn’t time to negotiate or reverse the process. It’s ancient and I have to just allow it. But each time, I am observing the mechanism a bit more. I am my own experiment and this will inform my work with children in the future when I am more healed.

So I’m in the park again with all the ones. Good morning to all of my sorrows and I see that joy is always close by. The girls and boys are not part of this story. They’re not part of the rhyme because they are never together. I seldom see more than two at a time. So I’m constantly starting again. ‘One for sorrow, two for joy” over and over again and each time I travel a little further, I feel a little bit more something…

Today's song "No,I regret nothing!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRCYEkA0_q8 Highlight link and right click

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/non-je-ne-regrette-rien-no-i-regret-nothing.html#ixzz3pr3Kfj3J

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing
Neither the good that’s been done to me,
Nor the bad; it is all the same!

No, absolutely nothing,
No, I regret nothing.
It is paid for, swept up, forgotten
I don’t give a damn about the past!

With my memories
I lit up the fire.
My shame, my pleasures,
I no longer need them.

Swept up love affairs,
And all of their faltering,
Swept up forever,
I start again from scratch

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing.
Neither the good that has been done to me,
Nor the bad; it is all the same

No, absolutely nothing,
No, I regret nothing.
Because my life, because my joy,
Today, start with you.

Going out on a limb. Sink or swim..and 75th post today!

Today is my 75th birthday! Not bad.It's no picnic but I'm hanging on in.

Last week with a strong sense of trepidation I began cutting down the amount of steroid cream I mix with my skin cream. I make my own. It’s a mix of Shea butter, coconut oil, Myrrh oil and calendular. Until now I would add a smidgen of steroid cream as I applied it to my skin. As I think I’ve described in previous entries I am aware that this steroid cream has been acting like glue in my system. Actually that’s all it does on the surface too. Steroid cream is basically plastic glue and it kind of gels everything together for a short time until you think you need more. What happens is the skin dries out and begins to itch (a lot) and you feel so desperate that you keep on applying it for the very temporary relief it provides. If you are like me you tend to then go into denial about the fact that the cream is now actually causing the symptoms and you become locked into a cycle of toxicity. Addicted, your body also hates the cream, it attempts to rid itself of it and through the itching, you scratch, hopefully you open the skin and allow the bile to do it’s job in the form of a puss like liquid; the oozeing so often described in the sulphur like ‘exzema’ or ‘psoriasis’ picture. But these generic labels are describing the body’s desperate attempts to rid the body of toxins specifically the hundreds of utterly nasty substances in the steroid cream. These skin expressions are simply signposts to a deeper set of bodily processes that are struggling. So slapping thick lardy creams all over the surface of the skin will merely cripple the flow of lymph and bile further. So if you are like me and your liver, kidneys and lymphatic system are sluggish because of stagnation, the process is already hindered. Like pouring sugar into a car’s petrol tank ,it’s a really bad idea. This is what I’ve been doing because I am so scared of having another flare-up and looking and feeling like a monster again. I feel like an idiot and simultaneously I am remembering to be kind to myself and continue to be open to learning from all of my choices.

I started using the steroid cream last January. I was just out of the Pneumonia woods. My body was desperately trying to clear out the enormous amount of antibiotics and other nasty substances that were administered through a drip during my stay in Lewisham Hospital. At the time I had rightly decided to do just about everything they told me to do because I was struggling for my life. But when I was discharged my body really wanted to flare-up. It was very very intense. I was itching twenty-four hours a day and I was very sleep deprived. I felt very low indeed. So I made the decision to use the steroid cream in order to have some respite. It got me out of a hole emotionally and physically. Now it’s gone too far and I’ve reached a place that I knew I would come to eventually. Everything points to this. I am making great progress with my health but always only to a point and then I just go around and back again. As if one foot is held down.
It’s been 24 hours with absolutely no steroid cream. I’ve been awake for most of the night itching and scratching. I’m feeling strong and calm. I have my caster oil pack at the ready, a good liver soothe.Thamks to Courtney White for this useful link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDZATQEBmVo

I’m back to juicing four times a day and two enemas to help ease the colon and liver strain. I’m whittling off unnecessary activities that might stress me and I’m really remembering to breathe. Particularly to exhale. Bring it on Caroline!

So it’s time to have another look at my self-image. How this ties in with the way I am in the world and how loved I feel. In this I might ask myself what my perception might be of how others view me. More importantly, what my psyche has decided might happen if I am not perceived or ‘seen ‘ in a certain way by others. What I do to me. This is brave territory indeed. Particularly if I am to share it with you and if I do, it is my wish that the next leg of my journey may resonate with some of you. For now I’m closing my eyes and making a promise to myself to keep on writing.
HORRAH HORRAY!
I THINK I’VE CRACKED THE CLICK ON IT LINK THING.TRY THIS FOLKS AND PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT LET ME KNOW HOW YOU GET ON. JUST HIGHLIGHT AND RIGHT CLICK ON THE LINK.

Today’s song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tux7eKFZn30&list=RDtux7eKFZn30 - t=0

Look what i found!

i'd been juicing cooking, soaking washing-up, milling, straining washin-up going mad and blah blah blah and then the rain stopped for a while so i decided to get out of the kitchen and walk it off in the park. i put on my wellies, opened the back door and look what i found outside my back door!I took this to mean that things were going to start looking up.

Later on I was sitting in the beautiful windy park next door to my house. It was the right decision to get out. Here I am again, one for sorrow..the oh!. five for silver six for gold two parts three crows and a lone wood pigeon. ten magpies today. The wind is ferocious and the birds seem to be amusing themselves with flying against it.

i brought a flask of chai this time. My own blend of rooibos, ginger, cinnamon and cardamom. I find it soothes my acheing heart.

There's a dampness now in the atmosphere and a dampness in me. From what i've learnt about my body so far this confirms the continuing stagnation. Things are not flowing in the right way. I'm more aware now that my skin actually feels kind of soggy and my lungs feel waterlogged. i've had my himilayan salt pipe out again. It's a kind of natural nebulizor. It was a revelation to me when I had Pneumonia and the nurses were trying to cultivate a dependancy in me for the nasty chemical version that made me feel a bit like Denis Hopper in 'Blue Velvet'
http://www.amazinghealth.co.uk/himalayan-salt-pipe.html?gclid=CLXhhs-NrsgCFWR22wodcFkNLw

i'm a bit wheezey and there's lots of bile. My liver is not doing it's job as it should a nor is the bile. The bile should be for transporting toxins out but it's too clogged. I know I need to adjust the combination of foods that I'm eating to ease things along a bit and at the same time the synthetic hormones for my thyroid and the steroid cream are glueing up my system. I want to get off them both and I will. I'm definately nearer to having my first consultation with Kathryn Alexander.

i've had to stop bouncing and it's been over a week now, because i've injured my achilles tendon dancing, of all things. Having fun, experiencing great pleasure...hmmnn? This makes a very big difference to the overall climate on planet Caroline and it concerns me because I had hoped that things would be ticking over a bit more independently by now. At the same time i am certain this is a direct expression of my emotions in the context of this ending and this continuing movement forwards. I'm so much closer to what I want and there are things to let go of inthe process.It must be scaring me. Oh the paradoxes!

Last week i wanted to stop everything. Not move. i didn't want to run away from the pain of separation, because this would mean the end and i didn't want an end. I want to honour my feelings and I know in my heart that nothing of real importance ever ends completely. Especially when it's a relationship that has been so profoundly significant. I'm almost half way there on this. Nevertheless I think that one foot is still firmly stuck in the bog.

So my body in it's wisdom has found a few ways to ensure that i do stay still a while. There's a very useful purpose for this because i do not want to carry this grief around with me forever and again, if i give this my attention it feels less violent and less pressing. i am being kind and my physical symptoms instruct me to be more measured with myself. It's a fine balance because if i stay too long i risk dwelling in it and if i rush on too quickly i run away from myself and this weakrens the new sense of equilibrium that I'm experiencing and ultimately the feeling of freedom i am coming to more and more often these days.

Today's song (does anyone listen to these??)An older woman's take this adolescent 'stuff' just copy and paste into your address window
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ciiCyxOJA

Friday the 2nd October.

There's been an ending in my life. A big and brave one too. It's a separation and it's been painful and as I a sit here against a well chosen oak tree I am between the sun and the moon and my emotions again are somewhere between sorrow and joy.

I saw eleven Magpies here yesterday. I was standing under a tree full of them and I sang to them. I sang way past sorrow and into 'Ma aa aa aag pie ee i eee i eee i ee iee' ..Are you supposed to start again when you get to "seven for a secret never to be told"?

Today there were just two. One after the other. They arrived seperately then stayed together but apart. I stood for a moment between one for sorrow and two for joy. With the position of the sun and the moon, in the context of this strong thread in my life, so meaningful. They have not separated either.

I watched the eclipse from the beginning. The merging was so energetic. There was a feeling of immense pressure and a tangible quivering as the sun and moon came together in an agonising pinky orangey red. Then almost as if it had never happened the new day began. The separation had happened. It had been strangely smooth. Effortless even.

Now I can see both the sun and the moon gazing at each other across the sky . To me they seem pleased with themselves. Still connected, still holding the memory of the intensity of their passionate engagement. Their silent relatedness a comfort.

My physical condition reflects this emotional transition I'm experiencing. A new chapter in my life is begining and I have no idea where I'm going from here. There's inflammation and infection in places. In others it's brittle and shell-like. But in parralel I'm discovering more and more places where it is softer and more supple than before. It's a strange mix all in one body and I'm learning to accept the rough with the smooth.

Song for today. Please copy and paste into your address window :The Mountain by the great PJ Harvey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWghMNiJVsY

footnote: One for sorrow

On my walk I saw a solitary magpie. I'm always seeing one. 'One for sorrow'. My mother used to say 'NO!One for joy!' She'd turned it around in her head, she wasn't having it.. Today I stood and I welcomed my sorrow. It made me laugh. I had tears in my eyes and I felt joy at exactly the same time. I've been realising for some time now that my joy and my sorrow are so closely allied that one cannot exist without the other. One for sorrow. A minute? A penny? A big round of aplause? Yes I celebrated my sorrow and I have made friends with it. Sorrow is a gentle companion when you welcome her in. Like a child who needs your love she doesn't cling too hard if you give her a minute or two.

Now and then

Now...

Where am I with my health? Well I’ve been using the Gerson protocol and tweaking it as I learn from Kathryn Alexander’s book ‘Dietary Healing’.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dietary-Healing-complete-detox-program/dp/0980376289
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73g84V2NqMM

It’s sometimes like being in a science lesson and I have to battle with my negative critical inner voice that tells me I don’t do science because I’m not clever enough. That’s a whole healing journey in itself I can tell you!

I posted some information about cell rejuvenation last week because I wanted to communicate how clear and careful Kathryn Alexander makes her writing. This is because she is passionate about food as medicine and she is passionate about enabling people to take responsibility for their own health and as a result the health of the planet. It can be complex and frustrating and at the same time it is so empowering because I’m beginning to see that there is a more profound point to my learning and that there is so much to pass on to others who are suffering with their health, particularly for me skin.

I am taking huge steps. At the same time there is something circular going on. There’s a missing link and I am waiting for the time very soon when I can have a consultation with Kathryn which will serve as an extra ‘leg-up’ as she will have the outside perspective and knowledge to see what I need to do to take myself to the next level. So I am still very sensitive to many different foods and substances but I am beginning to understand how different combinations of foods will affect the functioning of my body and it’s healing capacity; so this is how I am striving to create a set of unique conditions. I understand that I can’t ask my body to do things that it is not yet strong enough to do. It’s like taking an undernourished, dehydrated, traumatised donkey and putting a fridge on it’s back. Obviously the donkey will collapse under the weight of the fridge. But perhaps if you were to feed, water and love the donkey for a while eventually you might be able to think about how that donkey could help you to transport that fridge to where you want to go with it. It might be a bit of a clumsy metaphor but you see what I’m saying.

My skin is much improved however I am still using diluted steroid cream on it and this is not good. Basically I’m eating it, so you can see how this might hinder the building of the cellular conditions I am trying to create with different foods. Also I am still taking artificial hormones for my thyroid gland, which is deficient, and this too will hinder things as my body doesn’t really know what to do with it, and so in trying to find where to put it, it becomes side-tracked away from it’s main task which is to heal. These are big factors amongst others and Kathryn will help me to understand and see what the next steps are. I was already very unwell when I last tried to get off the synthetic Thyroxin, so there is fear in me about making another attempt and becoming very ill. However I am almost ready to try again, because I know I am so much stronger than I was, and if I can remove these substances from my system it will make a very big difference. I just have to look at the photographs from that time to see how far I have come.

Then..yikes! aaaargh!

My energy levels are increasing. This week there was a day, world peace day, when I was out and about from 2pm until 11pm, just having a lovely time with a dear friend and whilst I was very tired I managed. I didn’t feel ill just a bit like an older lady (hah hah!) needed to do nothing the next day, but this is monumental for me! I’m also going to some bioenergetics classes once a week. Bioenergetics is a form of bodywork that enables the release of body trauma and tension. It’s really powerful. After the class we all dance together and it’s not just shuffling about, it’s a full on dance like you’ve always wished you could kind of dancing. The bioenergetics just frees you up to fully enjoy the experience and the music. I noticed last week that my skin was more supple and hydrated the next day. Really significantly because everything has been shaken up and distributed so there is a sense of balance and equilibrium and the body loves it. It’s as if the body is an hour-glass and the sand has got stuck up in the top section (the head) and the exercises followed by the dance serve to shake it all down. It’s fabulous and my body loves it!

So I want to share with you.. the tears of honest joy I let go yesterday morning as I absorbed the realisation that once again a beautiful new lodger has found me. Jane. She’s a bit of a ‘whisperer’. She’s gentle and she ‘sees’ people (and animals, so Bear is happy). She brings a new and good energy to this home already. Just this; but it feels special...

...and how lucky and blessed I feel to experience this new and alive life that I have been coming into. The sun was shining and I hung my white sheets out in my newly washed garden, it rained all day the day before. I brushed and stroked my batty cat Bear, who was chasing the wind and chirruping, clearly delighted with the fresh open air. Then I took a peaceful walk in the park next-door. After this some bouncing, a meditation, yoga, breakfast, vegetable rinsing and juicing, got the coffee brewing and did some skin hydrating massage. The day was mine for the taking. No stress no trauma in any corner of it. How wonderful it was! Today I am resolved to make the day what it needs to be for my healing. A walk in the warm rain to start with I think……

Song for today..not true but I like the song..Alwaysplay loud..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO3hlmEyaiA just copy and paste this link into your adress window

Hello old friends!

Yes I'm still at it..I've been very busy and although I'm really taking big steps forwards I haven't had the energy for lots of other things that deserve my attention. I've kept myself going with the thought that they'll happen when they happen. It's been a while so I thought I'd post an update.

This is what I've been doing if you can spare a couple of minutes to get your head around this it's monumental!..

"The aim in Dietary healing is to restore and strengthen the integrity of the body, to bring it to
a point where:
the resistance of the body is stronger than the resistance of the cancer or disease. Disease only arises when the metabolism of the cell becomes damaged. Therefore restoring the metabolism becomes the main thrust of treatment.
A healthy cell will take up nutrients and oxygen, use fuel for energy and repair, and discard its waste. This constant flow of activity, the intake and the output, is dependent upon meeting energy requirements (nutrients) and maximum efficiency of the enzyme systems.
The enzymes are the workers of the cell. They require nutrients as the tools of their trade. Without their “tools” the conveyor belt of activity may grind to a halt and intermediate products build up. These products are acidic and toxic to the cell. We are describing a situation of nutrient deficiency.
Similarly, toxins may enter the cell, such as heavy metals (aluminum, lead, mercury) or man-made chemicals. These may paralyze the enzyme systems or stimulate a new set of instructions changing the programming of the cell.
A vicious cycle begins. The toxic or nutrient-deficient cell becomes inefficient; the “burning of fuel” is compromised; oxygen is not utilized efficiently; the cells drop into fermentation and create excess
CYCLE OF TOXICITY
Disease
Acidity
Fermentation

Inefficient cells

Toxins/ nutritional deficiencies

Can we reverse this cycle? Yes. Absolutely. But we must ensure a four-fold thrust:
• Restore the oxidative function of the tissues
• Ensure a reactivation of the immune system
• Support elimination of toxic products
• Continue the program until the entire body is restored
Addressing the first two arms of treatment may give control of the disease, but until this burden is alleviated, then no true healing will occur. Similarly, to cease the program prematurely, before the organs and tissues are fully restored, may lead to a recurrence of the disease.

RESTORING OXIDATIVE METABOLISM
This is very simple. When a cell becomes acidic, it becomes more positively charged (acidity is a measure of the free hydrogen ions – H+). This positive shift repels oxygen and potassium, and sodium, water and toxins drift into the cell. This puts the fire of metabolism out. The cell will drop into fermentation and “stew in its own juice.” The acidic cycle is perpetuated.

Rising acidity renders the cell more positive due to the presence of free hydrogen ions (H+ - these are the measure of acidity). This has a two-fold outcome: entry of potassium and oxygen is inhibited, and both sodium and potassium drift down their concentration gradients. The cell loses its integrity as sodium enters the cell along with acidity and toxins. The acidic cycle is perpetuated.

If we wish to reverse this situation we must change the pH to more alkaline state. This will increase the negative potential as the alkaline compounds carry a negative charge. A vegetable diet, along with a high intake of fresh, living vegetable juices with added supplemental potassium (of a specific formula), will not only increase the alkaline reserves within the cells, but also mop up the acidity. Once the negative potential is restored, oxygen is drawn into the cells (oxygen always seeks the negative charge) along with potassium. Then a curious thing happens. As the electrical state of the cell is rectified, potassium binds at special association sites, which in turn, generates its own electrical field. This field pulls water molecules into a formation – they line up in tight layers leaving no room for toxins or sodium. The cell is naturally purified.
Purification of the cell on a high potassium, high alkaline-forming diet

As the cell becomes increasingly alkaline (OH-) (due to the high potassium, high alkaline forming diet) its negative potential increases and potassium and oxygen are drawn into the cell. The oxidative cycle is restored, and sodium, acidity (H+) and toxins are driven from the cell.
"

I'm now close to the point where I can afford to work with an amazing woman named Kathryn Alexander. Google her. She's Naturapath by trade but she's so much more. She and her husband Stephen Alexander are actually contributing hugely to changing the way the world thinks about chronic disease and the treatment of it. They are actually very active right at the top of the chain with convincing the insurance fraternity that food as medicine is a far better approach to the massive massive global increase in chronic illness.

So I'm not sitting around doing nothing, I'm working very hard and I'm slowly getting somewhere and my understanding is growing daily.

So basically I will be the healthiest 'older' lady you'll ever know and I will be marching up the Himalayas in my shorts and jackboots someday soon. Look out World here I come!!!!

Song for today is: Nina Simone 'Feelin' Good" Please play loud and enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs&list=RDD5Y11hwjMNs#t=0

Morning

The Black Salve didn't work. The growth is bigger, harder and seemingly more rooted. Honestly? I'm feeling demoralised. The global picture on planet Caroline is ostensibly good, things are progressing, albeit at a snail's pace, every other day a little victory of sorts and at the same time I'm feeling low in resources. I'm feeling sluggish and fog-brained. I'm itchy and grumpy and tired, haven't slept for three nights now and I can't remember what it's like to not feel my skin.
Today the sun's shining so even though I love my ceramics class with a passion, I'm not going to go because over everything I'm doing, the sun is the best medicine I could take. I will play with clay at home and catch up with the kiln later. So I'm going to go out to the garden now and bounce amongst the birds, say hello to my body, ask it what needs, meditate on that for a while, see what comes up and then I'm going to come back to this blog and write about the difference. Sometimes it's so hard to remember.

This week I went to the dentist. I'd made the huge decision to have an anaesthetic because I needed a crown replacing. The dentist gave me two massive injections for I thought pulling out an old crown and replacing it and then without telling me he did a filling instead of replacing the crown. I couldn't tell what he was doing because I was so numb. When I asked him why he'd done this he said 'oh! I thought it would be better for you' (cheaper for you, you mean mr dentist) ' don't worry book yourself in again and I'll do the crown another day" But the thing is this means another injection! So far I've spent the last two days having a strong adverse reaction to the injections he gave me then. I've also been feeling absolutely livid about the whole thing which doesn't help at all. Got to let go of that. I felt deceived and there is definately a thread around for me. Not being told the whole truth, witholding information, being ripped off and lied to. There have been too many examples lately. I've walked away from a public commission because of corrupt behaviour within Southwark Council, I've lost a client because of a social worker and a school's unprofessional behaviour, I've been ripped off by a builder and taken the piss of by an estate agent and all in the space of a few weeks. It really upsets me. A lot. I am thinking about what it is that I seem to give off that might be permission to disrespect me..hmmmm that's going to be pleasant...

So for now,here is my latest lady.......

.

Blacksalve..another elbow story..The Horrrah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIMlPygBV2o

I've been stealing myself for this..a knowledgeable friend gave me this harmless looking jar that looks like something from 'Alice Through the Looking Glass'..It's Blacksalve, a very potent poison not to be messed with. It's death to cancer and all cancerous cells. It literally 'grabs out' the growth from the root. It's a slow process with reportedly excellent results if you are not in a hurry and you are careful and measured in your approach. Because to add insult to injury, since two years ago when I ill-advisedly did some UV light treatment thinking it might help, I've had several skin growths that have been slowly growing and thriving. I'd tried the old remedy of bananna skin face down on them over night and it's definately held them back a bit but nothing sustained. So I'm going in a bit more assertively now, with respect of course. So watch this space for results in the next few days. Where am I going with this? Well that all depends on where I want to end up.

“I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass

My skin is very active. Yesterday it looked young and fresh,a new layer forming itself. It wasn't inflamed or itchy for half of the day. In retrospect it was a bit tight and a bit bluey in appearance. But it felt good. By the evening it was itching for England again and peeling off in a most extreme manner. Today it's shell like again.. I feel a bit like a Lychee, very vulnerable inside. It's very distracting, I must have the brain fog. I'm good at multi-tasking when I'm like this but nothing gets completed and I get a bit dizzy. I think my Adrenaline levels are very up and down. Today the sun is going in and out every five minutes I can't settle in it..Feels parallel.

So I've mowed my grass, I've bounced with the birds, I've said "Hello' to my toes today (that was unexpectedly emotional) and I'm about to eat my current favourite meal of potatoes cabbage and cumin with a couple of eggs on top yummy. Then I'm going to continue with my wild woman series of ceramics. Here's one I made earlier..

We are open today!

Wooh it's windy today! I bounced on my trampoline in the open air today. I made it a meditation. My garden at the top of the hill, a hidden secret. The perfect place to meditate; trees dancing and waving , the birds swooping around me almost touching my head, the swish of their wings, energy! It's electric out there.

I went to see a quantum healer on Sunday. http://www.mas-sajady.com/

What a bizarre and powerful experience that was. I'm still digesting it. It was a group healing. I had really mixed feelings about the thing on the day and at the same time there was no denying the immense energy that was around coming through him and from all of us and through him again, swirling around the space, like those birds, touching my hair, my skin my fingertips and then spiralling straight through and into my heart. It was as if he put his energy around my spine and then somehow merged and twisted things around a bit. I'm still feeling it and there's a new sense of ease arrived in my meditation practice. An opening and softening.

We were told to expect discomfort these next few days and weeks. He warned us to be careful with ourselves because we were preparing to let go of all that we have considered to be most important to us and this could lead us into a dark place for a while..I know this dark place quite well and I know I can get out of it. So these days instead of running to get the hell out of there I can stay a while and let my eyes adjust to the light . It always seems darker than it is.

So 'we' are open today. Me and my emotions. Firm and grounded and open. I'm letting things flood in and run out again..If there is a clear means of escape stuff comes in. I began to learn this lesson a few years ago when I adopted an abused cat. Bear was terrified of everything when we got him. I worked out that if I approached him from the side, allowing him to look around us and see that he could run in any direction if he needed to, he would allow me to touch him. Whats more I could touch him if I held out my hand and invited him to touch me. We touched each other. So it became a mutual transaction. No victim no perpetrator not potential for pain or abuse. It's like this.

So I'm chugging along still. A new layer of skin is dropping off and it has been extreme. I've had a wobble and I'm alright. Today I'm going back to my painting with brushes.I'm going to put an image I've had on the go to bed..

Today's song it's a corker, one of my all time favourites! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuhWXamkfw8


ANY COMMENTS OR FEEDBACK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THIS SELF HEALING LARK CAN BE QUITE LONELY SOME DAYS

Never say never! Should've remembered....

This is what my skin feels like again this week. It's got me by the throat. My previous post "Never going back there" was a red flag to a bull. My body has responded "oh yer that's what you think!" Since mid last week I've felt it coming. There have been all the subtle signs that I now know so well. I've also been weening myself off the steroid cream, replacing it with a new spray by a company called Salcura. https://www.salcuraskincare.com/
The spray is almost all natural so of course much better than repressing what I'm expressing.

So for now I'm back to really staying with and accepting the feelings that come with this state of being. Having a really good look around, because as with the skin that I shed there are more layers and the irritated, itchy scratchyness, the heat and the discomfort, are all my cues to go in further and stay a while. I made an image today. It really helped. I almost vomitted it onto the paper. I was very in touch with a sense that all this itching and scratching, rubbing , scrubbing , bandaging up and covering over, makes me feel held down. To think of it now, immediately I feel constricted. I'm doing this.

This is about an aspect of myself that I have disowned. I have somehow disowned a part of myself, a part of me that I was told was unacceptable, and I have continued with the script. It's not even rocket science when you get to this point is it? So the feelings that surface before, in and around my skin flare-ups are unacceptable to me. I've known this on an intellectual level for some time through all of the work I've been doing to heal . However I've never been here before with the intention to stay a while. 'Here' is where I take a very very deep breath in. And on the out breath I say to myself " bring it on girl! give me your best. Because I don't care how bad or ugly you think you can be, I'm here, I'm listening and I love you anyway! Also...sooner or later you're going to get bored because I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to ever stop loving you. So there ner!"

And this is enough exposure for me today..

And so today..'.I continue to continue'

Today's song...


https://youtu.be/uRv4S0BPMik

This is the view from my bedroom window at Le Sentier Tranquille in the Pyrenees. Two years ago in September I was literally compelled in the most incidental way to find the money and go there. This is when I began meditation. Simon Cole and his wife Linda provided the space and the peace of mind.

http://www.retreats.life-counselling.co.uk/travel_4.html

I started to crawl my way towards changing how I experience life because I'd been aware for some time that the way I'd been doing it wasn't working for me. Everything seemed to derive from a basic template that I'd cleverly put together when I was very young. I could trace everything back to it. I can see this was necessary at the time and it enabled me to survive the environment I was raised in. However now, with care my heart needed breaking into. My skin, my shell, my armour needed laying down...

I lie here now taking in the pieces. The days, the weeks, the year. All the searching backwards and forwards. The finding and the loosing and the letting go's. A moment of clarity arriving to remind me (and us) that there really is nothing else. This is it. This now is all there is and will ever be....The rest is what I choose to make of it.

So today, back into the garden for me. Today I am building a raised bed and planting some seeds. Some chard some lettuces, some herbs perhaps. I'm going to save shed loads of money by growing my greens. Speaking of sheds..It's nearly time I got that shed collected and re-built in my garden...Hey Ho and away we go......

Yesterday I forgot!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZlch5szCUE

"never going back there"

Thanks Mikey Georgeson!



https://youtu.be/niPTEPyJk5c..........Happy Easter bunnies

"never going back there........."

There:

Here:

I went back to Lewisham Hospital last week. I'd had a load of tests done to follow up on the poor state my body was in when I escaped in November '14. circulation not too hot and .... inflammation of Lymph nodes reduced considerably, white blood cell count normal, Thyroid count very improved, heart rate normal, no TB, no Anaemia, no Lupus or Lymmes, gained 5 llbs in weight, kidneys normal. Well done me. The doctor was not interested in how I've done this. He didn't really look away from his laptop. However when I shared that I liked his shoes very much, he disclosed that he really liked my trousers. I enjoyed the art on the walls on my way out. I may contact their Art person, I wouldn't mind making some work in response to my visits.


I invited someone for lunch today. She's an artist person whom I've been aquainted with for years through the Nunhead Open. We're thinking of working together but I also like her very much. I made a delicious nettle soup, some sesame and rye bread followed by a lentil pumpkin coconut chilli and goats cheese stew. I also made a carrot beetroot apple and date cake to have with tea. What a bloody acheivement I say and it tasted good. I have to say the conversation was just the best medicine. I feel energised and nourished. I'm sticking to my plan to do nothing unless it is good for me...


I'm really quite pleased with myself today and life feels damn sweet actually.

Bad news and greens...out of my head and into the garden.

I had some bad feelings to process and was becoming more and more 'curled up' inside. My gorgeous and very spiritually in touch lodger and friend Kate suggested I might find some answers in nature. So I wrapped myself up in a blanket and I went and sat. I listened to the birdsong; beautiful blackbirds, the beginnnings of the spring face-off jazz impro sessions. Across the sky the friendliest red robins like nightingales and in the rosehip tree just behind me the nosey and noisy bluetits fill the air with their gossiping. I closed my eyes for a short time and when I opened them there were eight wood pigeons perched opposite me in the tall Oak. How did this happen? Last year I noticed there were just the two, loyal lovers returning every year, well they've beeen busy!

Look!! These luscious leaves are from my garden. I'm going to make a nettle soup, some dandelion coffee and then juice the rest. What a profitable stroll I've just had!

Thank you Kate, that really helped. It's stretched me out a bit. I was all crumpled. Now I begin to remember how much I love the outdoors and I have land; how lucky am I and there's stuff growing on it that I can eat, and the world is much bigger than the inside of my head, and my body has good things to tell me if I listen to it. How the mind can keep us in...

Back to Bentonite and down with nostalgia!

Remember this?

Trying not to remember this..

But today the reality is this...

It's working it's way up, not down which is frightening because I've been 'saving face' for some time now, don't ask me how, the body is a wonderful thing. My face has been as smooth as a babie's bottom, I want and need it to be, but if I'm honest the rest of my body has wanted the steroid cream and this was already not a good sign at all..

Since I came out of hospital in November I've been using steroid cream diluted with shea butter and coconut oil. I wasn't particularly happy about this because it is very toxic and really puts my liver under a lot of strain when it is already working overtime. The body cannot process petro chemicals, funnily it doesn't like them at all. I wonder why?

Anyway at that time my skin was so relentlessly itchy that I was feeling very depressed and agitated all the time. The steroid cream gave me some respite and this is all. What's happened now, inevitably, is that I have gradually become desensitised to the cream. Meaning that the next decision for me would be to either use more of it or go through the withdrawal and out the other side back to independently healthy skin and a resting and grateful liver.This may mean more quasimodo moments I don't know. Today what I do know is that I'm feeling scared and a bit demoralised because I'm very itchy and uncomfortable again. I feel scattered, my lymph system and my circulation feel sluggish, my hands and feet have been going blue again, I can't concentrate on the silliest things and I'm unreasonably tired and a bit yellow.

It's going to sound crazy but simultaneously I am taking huge emotional leaps forwards and I feel so much more able to understand the origins of my dis-ease. Sometimes, a lot actually, the process of healing the body is a beautiful series of swirly circular movements. I have learned that in the qi-gong tradition most of the body movements that are designed to harvest and balance life energy contain some form of figure of eight. This felt so completely right to me, and within these movements we inevitably re-visit aspects of the journeys in space that we take. It's necessary. More on this and on 'saving my face' when I'm feeling less fragmented..

Today's song, cheesy I know but it's how I feel today..I remember dancing to this when I was 13..Oh those dear dead days beyond recall...

https://youtu.be/ZBR2G-iI3-I

3 fold breathing..should I let sleeping dog's lie? I think so don't you?

Lola and I have just meditated together! As you can see it's had a wonderful affect on us both..

The environment was perfect for it. It's a blowy day here in a courner of Kerry with the sound of the trees swaying in the wind like oceon waves, the breath of life; and our breathing, a lullaby engulfing this room from all sides..I feel 'held' in the arms of life. What a hippy I've become. And proud!

I've just finished a weekend of Qui-gong. I've learned how to breath in and out and to move my body in a way that just feels so right for me. So I will be continuing with this learning as I KEEP GOING with all my other stuff.
The women who shared the Qui-gong weekend with me were so good. Nine good women. A good number anyway in Qui-gong terms. Everything in multiples of three. Each woman ordinary and so special in her own right. Each woman with her own unique story to tell. The giving and receiving felt like a microcosm of what life is all about. One of these women Lisa gave me an insight that I feel has helped me in ways that I am still digesting. She offerred that maybe everything I'm doing and have done for my health is working and that I simply need to trust my body to continue doing what it's doing. It doesn't sound like much does it? However it's made me realise how mean I've been being to myself. I think I've literallly been doing what my mother used to do. Standing over myself tapping my fingers, sighing, looking at my watch and saying 'pah, is that all? come on, come on, I'm in a hurry, I haven't got time for this!" You know this kind of thing. It's abuse isn't it. Lisa you've helped me to remember to celebrate my successes and to allow myself time to heal. After all one year and two months is only 2.2 percent of my life so far!

So today I practiced a meditation from Reggie Ray's teachings recommended by a good friend. Again learning to breath; learning to live. I love it! I recommend these teachings highly. They are very simple, so that you can really get in touch with and feel the complexity of your body without the mental chit chat. I am discovering through my body what I hold onto. As I become more aware of the tensions in various parts of my body I become aware simultaneously of what I can let go of. It's not an intellectual process at all and the sense of physical and so mental freedom that arises in the process is awesome! There's everything you need to start you off for free on this very generous website.

http://www.dharmaocean.org/meditation/learn-to-meditate/learn-to-meditate-awakening-the-heart/

So current themes in my mind. My mother was emotionally absent. I was a premature baby. I was born six weeks early.I
was in an incubator for about four weeks. I remember there were no edges. I remember this because I have done the work to understand my triggers and to really appreciate the importance of being and feeling held. I'm still at it. Also I trained hard to work with children with attachment struggles. Now I understand from the inside out. It's what I'm meant to do and the seemingly dissonant pieces begin to fit together eventually. It's the telling of the story as it comes together, slowly and gently. I'm attempting to chart this process...

So this one is for the beautiful Courtney. Please sing it if you know it, or listen, http://youtu.be/luxHpy7IKRM

I listen for your footsteps
Comin' up the drive
Listen for your footsteps
But they don't arrive
Waitin' for your knock dear
On my old front door
I don't hear it
Does it mean you don't love me any more

I hear the clock a'tickin
On the mantel shelf
See the hands a'movin
But I'm by myself
I wonder where you are tonight
And why I'm by myself
I don't see you
Does it mean you don't love me any more

Don't pass me by don't make me cry
Don't make me blue
'Cause you know darlin' I love only you
You'll never know it hurts me so
How I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry
Don't make me blue

I'm sorry that I doubted you
You were so unfair
You were in a car crash
And you lost your hair
You said that you would be late
About an hour or two
Well that's alright I'm waiting here
Just waiting to hear from you

Don't pass me by don't make me cry
Don't make me blue
'Cause you know darlin' I love only you
You'll never know it hurts me so
How I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry
Don't make me blue

Don't pass me by don't make me cry
Don't make me blue
'Cause you know darlin' I love only you
You'll never know it hurt me so
I hate to see you go
Don't pass me by, don't make me cry
Don't make me blue



Read more: Ringo Starr - Don't Pass Me By Lyrics | MetroLyrics

After a nasty stomach bug here is last week's unfinished entry: Feelings, learning to be comfortable with the paradoxes..and how did I get here?.

Tracing the roots of my dis-ease

This was how I felt in the morning. A little bit tired but quite chipper, quite fresh..within two hours of this I was chucking my guts down the loo from a semi-horizontal position. and then within another two stuffing my face with biscuits. Bizarre! This got me thinking about paradoxes. The sadness and the joy, the pain and the pleasure, the hate and the love, the fear and the safeness..all present for me at once sometimes. Lots of laughing lots of weeping.

My theme at the moment is this motherlessness I mentioned before and all the different ways of being absent mother's can be. I know, I have been and my mother was absent for me. Being ill was a major inconvenience in our house. My mother would be insensed if we were. It was a change to the routine that she clung to. A disruption of the highest order. She woud make you wish you were never born and in the same moment she would know 'exactly' what to do in a 'crisis'. She would be there with clean sheets and towels, hankies, soup, semolina pudding, steamed white fish and even a hot water bottle. But she wasn't present, not there with us. Somehow she was nowhere to be found. She was off somewhere in her tormented mind, running away from it all, running running as fast as she could from the trauma of it all. So the giving and receiving of love; it was a paradoxical experience in our household.

No pictures no music..just these motherless moments..

How strange and wonderful life is! Having vomited my guts up today and yesterday without really knowing why, I realised that I have experienced moments of "enlightenment" this and last week..I remember to breathe again and I begin to digest these moments in my life that are true milestones if I allow them to be. A beautiful friend tells me of how she recently watched a treasured cyni film of herself. Captured childhood moments stored and re-ignited for her. She is deaply moved. I am deaply affected by her telling of it, what she saw, what she feels, again and now. How in the film she observes that no-one seems to notice or appreciate her as she plays. How alone she feels and how luckily at the last minute she is scooped up and held lovingly by a favourite aunt... My unreasonable sense of abandonment and betrayal when I realised that I had allowed myself to be deceived by certain people who travelled through my life briefly. The builder, the plumber, the doctor, even a friend.... The watching again of a favourite film of mine 'The Hours' a scene where Julianne Moore whispers words, that seem almost incomprehensible, about why and how it was that she came to abandon her children...The teenage women suddenly large in my life. Both in a sense motherless daughters... such rich material for me to digest..I now remember a few weeks back a good friend of mine asking me "do you keep a diary Caroline?". We had been talking of my thoughts and feelings and various healings.

I've had this seminal experience today having listened for the first time to a random talk by Chogyam Trungpah Rinpoch, a universally cherished Tantric teacher. Nothing obviously special in what he is saying however because I found him in that particular moment, everything overwhelmingly has come, or came into focus and I'm trying to stay with all the fragments that came whoooshing together all at once. I began asking myself 'why'? 'why am I here?.."why am I doing this?"

I've been uneasy with this blog for some time if I'm honest. Not comfortable with the venue really and the seeming superficiality of it. My entries are not inauthentic at all, I'm not saying this, but the details are stillhidden as far as I am concerned. And when I think of this I feel really tired and I don't feel like taking part in it at all. So today, now, I am in touch with strong feelings around not wanting to 'hide' anymore. I want this writing to be about me. Who I really am and I don't want to have to worry about what people take from my story anymore. I do this intensive editing of what I say, to myself and it leaves me feeling trapped in a kind of half-light. I just sit in a metaphorical upright chair in a hallway of discomfort and I feel angry and self-loathing and stuck. I don't want to worry about worrying people because ostensibly I am okay. So I'm not going to do that anymore.

The reasons for doing this remain the same. It's about life and living and at the same time I can't live like this anymore. So this entry is a kind of declaration. A solemn promise to myself to tell the real story of me. Again, it may not be linear and sometimes it will seem to be just a page of strange and inert ramblings...but I promise that I will be as authentic as is bearable for me to be on the day and I hope that together we can weave a new story....the right one for me.

No picture today. No music. It doesn't feel necessary and I hope you will, whoever you are like and share this and I will take the meaning of this 30 second long action of yours to be encouragement and support. I'm going to need it!

Swallow pride, breath in and APPEAL! Juicing still juicing..

http://www.prolificjuicing.com/green-juice-benefits/

Yes a great week what with the boiler breaking down again, the discovery of damp in nearly every corner of my flat and then the realisation that the plumber and the decorator had kind of ripped me off, not to mention the shenanigens with the Ayurvedic doctor.

Yes but I'm still juicing for England. In fact if I don't I quickly feel the difference. The health benefits are numerous, which is why I've included the link to some tips about green juicing for those who may be interested. I'm now doing just four a day down from six because I was finding doing six too expensive and exhausting. This time of year the vegetables are giving out about half the juice they normally do and it's costing an arm and a leg, literally. The skin irritation is creeping back up my legs and arms but frustratingly I've had to cut down on the organic vegetables. The last two weeks I've had to order double the ammount to get only not much more than half the juice I normally get. So THIS WEEK if anyone fancies donating a couple of kilo of green apples, carrots, green leafy veg, cucumber, celery anything along these lines I'd be made up, because to be honest I don't know how I'm going to do it after last week's bill.

Very recently I have taken on a new client for arts based counselling, a referral from Social Services and a major step for me. So I am exploring my capacity for work at the moment and the money will go towards paying off one of my many debts. SoundHeart Music School in Forest Hill have very generously lent me a room in support of this and we are already scratching each other's backs by arranging for the same child to have some music lessons while they are there. Good eh! I'm going to try to get some publicity together for their face book page at their request, but I must admit it feels a bit early for me because I don't know how much energy I've got and you can't take on clients and then realise it's too much for you. It just doesn't work that way in this game. I'm dipping my toe in the hot hot water and spending the rest of my time looking out for myself so I can carry on thinking about working.
It was a lovely sunny day for a while today wasn't it..

Hello, Yes!

Exploring ways to hold and contain but mainly survive itching and pain. In my current meditation how amazing to discover that each moment is jam packed with 'material'. In the context of itching for instance, I have learned that just as with pain when your body may twist and tense in response to it, simultaneously contained in the physical sensation there is a mental clinging to a past and a future. I'm aware that with pain (and itching) my body becomes immersed in 'a fearful anticipation of the future' for example that this itch will get worse and worse and will never ever end leading to my head swelling up again and my illness going back to what it was and looking like a monster and feeling like I'm half dead just like before and and and ................But. If I remember to breath into it, even welcome it?, say "Hello" or "Yes?" to it, my body feels this and the same itch begins to dissolve. It really just goes away puff!.It's as if a small child is pulling and tugging at me and the more I try to push her away or ignore her the more persistent and distressed she becomes. If I reach down and say kindly 'yes what is it you need from me?' and I try to feel what it is I'm feeling in the same instance, she becomes calm again. I'm beginning to see a correlation between certain thoughts and feelings about memories and people or things or situations and the intensity of the itching, just like I have with certain foods and substances.It's grounding and soothing and I'm beginning to experience the day to day differently. I experience moments in a more Caroline friendly way, when I remember... and I don't beat myself up too much when I forget. I just carry carry on.

It's been an important week with my emotions. I had a bit of a blip and I really had a bit of a wobble. A situation arose where it became very clear that somebody whom I chose put alot of trust in turned out to be not who or what I expected them to be. This was someone supposed to be guiding me with my healing. I really wanted to relax and have someone look after me for a change. The situation delivered me back nicely to a place in my heart filled with unresolved feelings from the past that needed airplay and space before parking them for good. Useful but very painful too. Better out than in (and dragged around with me where ever I go eh!).

For one reason or another I now have two absolutely amazing teenage/young women firmly in my life and I think they've inspired me because I find myself re-visiting my own teenage years. So I've found myself listening to some choice numbers from the eighties when I ditched the bondage and safety pins, grabbed a chain bag and played with being a soul-girl for a bit. So for today's song here's a performance that's just complete madness to watch. I secretly wanted to be a backing singer and I especially liked this whole production. Costumes to die for! Enjoy.... and dance if you like this sort of thing, I'm going to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=god7hAPv8f0

Heart sleeve: Hello Strangers!

Heart sleeve: Hello Strangers!: Bloody hell it's been nearly two months since my last entry and I'd got myself into a bit of a pickle about continuing this blog. I...

Hello Strangers!

Bloody hell it's been nearly two months since my last entry and I'd got myself into a bit of a pickle about continuing this blog. I want to tell the hospital stay story but I also don't really want to re-visit it. It was so bizarre and scarey. Just to get myself back into the swing, I have taken a massive breath in and plunged back into these pages. This is enough for now.

Today has not started too well. I feel angry and upset. There have been massive improvements, there really have and my hard hard work paying off. However I'm not going to pretend that I don't still have bad days. I still need support and doing this blog had felt supportive. Today I'm tired of battling with my skin's condition, I'm sick of not being able to just get up in the morning and go, without adverse consequences. I'm angry that I can't say 'fuck it", (well I can, and I did on Saturday) and go and scoff steak and kidney pie, chips and peas with my mates in a cafe in Deptford without my body going "Yeurk!!" It sucks!

Today I must do my tax returns, I have an extension from the government on account of my lack of talent with numbers, and today is the last day....probably a lot to do with why I feel like shit. The preverbial 'straw that broke..'thingey.

So I've done an entry of sorts now and just so (I'm) we're clear, I'm still trying to heal myself at home with non- alopathic medicine, yoga, re-bounding, juicing, diet and meditation and the all famous 'backwards' coffees. My circulation is shot, still get blue hands and feet, there's a permanent buzzing in my head, my skin is hanging off, my Lymph system still needs a jump start twice a day and my body is still not absorbing essential nutrients properly. It's truffing hard work, expensive and some days I feel like I'm going insane. But I'm back. I'm back doing the blog, feels good. Keep on keeping on Caroline hah hah!

Todays song, sing along and don't forget to 'head dance'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgLq6d_w4e4