No pictures no music..just these motherless moments..

How strange and wonderful life is! Having vomited my guts up today and yesterday without really knowing why, I realised that I have experienced moments of "enlightenment" this and last week..I remember to breathe again and I begin to digest these moments in my life that are true milestones if I allow them to be. A beautiful friend tells me of how she recently watched a treasured cyni film of herself. Captured childhood moments stored and re-ignited for her. She is deaply moved. I am deaply affected by her telling of it, what she saw, what she feels, again and now. How in the film she observes that no-one seems to notice or appreciate her as she plays. How alone she feels and how luckily at the last minute she is scooped up and held lovingly by a favourite aunt... My unreasonable sense of abandonment and betrayal when I realised that I had allowed myself to be deceived by certain people who travelled through my life briefly. The builder, the plumber, the doctor, even a friend.... The watching again of a favourite film of mine 'The Hours' a scene where Julianne Moore whispers words, that seem almost incomprehensible, about why and how it was that she came to abandon her children...The teenage women suddenly large in my life. Both in a sense motherless daughters... such rich material for me to digest..I now remember a few weeks back a good friend of mine asking me "do you keep a diary Caroline?". We had been talking of my thoughts and feelings and various healings.

I've had this seminal experience today having listened for the first time to a random talk by Chogyam Trungpah Rinpoch, a universally cherished Tantric teacher. Nothing obviously special in what he is saying however because I found him in that particular moment, everything overwhelmingly has come, or came into focus and I'm trying to stay with all the fragments that came whoooshing together all at once. I began asking myself 'why'? 'why am I here?.."why am I doing this?"

I've been uneasy with this blog for some time if I'm honest. Not comfortable with the venue really and the seeming superficiality of it. My entries are not inauthentic at all, I'm not saying this, but the details are stillhidden as far as I am concerned. And when I think of this I feel really tired and I don't feel like taking part in it at all. So today, now, I am in touch with strong feelings around not wanting to 'hide' anymore. I want this writing to be about me. Who I really am and I don't want to have to worry about what people take from my story anymore. I do this intensive editing of what I say, to myself and it leaves me feeling trapped in a kind of half-light. I just sit in a metaphorical upright chair in a hallway of discomfort and I feel angry and self-loathing and stuck. I don't want to worry about worrying people because ostensibly I am okay. So I'm not going to do that anymore.

The reasons for doing this remain the same. It's about life and living and at the same time I can't live like this anymore. So this entry is a kind of declaration. A solemn promise to myself to tell the real story of me. Again, it may not be linear and sometimes it will seem to be just a page of strange and inert ramblings...but I promise that I will be as authentic as is bearable for me to be on the day and I hope that together we can weave a new story....the right one for me.

No picture today. No music. It doesn't feel necessary and I hope you will, whoever you are like and share this and I will take the meaning of this 30 second long action of yours to be encouragement and support. I'm going to need it!