Look what i found!

i'd been juicing cooking, soaking washing-up, milling, straining washin-up going mad and blah blah blah and then the rain stopped for a while so i decided to get out of the kitchen and walk it off in the park. i put on my wellies, opened the back door and look what i found outside my back door!I took this to mean that things were going to start looking up.

Later on I was sitting in the beautiful windy park next door to my house. It was the right decision to get out. Here I am again, one for sorrow..the oh!. five for silver six for gold two parts three crows and a lone wood pigeon. ten magpies today. The wind is ferocious and the birds seem to be amusing themselves with flying against it.

i brought a flask of chai this time. My own blend of rooibos, ginger, cinnamon and cardamom. I find it soothes my acheing heart.

There's a dampness now in the atmosphere and a dampness in me. From what i've learnt about my body so far this confirms the continuing stagnation. Things are not flowing in the right way. I'm more aware now that my skin actually feels kind of soggy and my lungs feel waterlogged. i've had my himilayan salt pipe out again. It's a kind of natural nebulizor. It was a revelation to me when I had Pneumonia and the nurses were trying to cultivate a dependancy in me for the nasty chemical version that made me feel a bit like Denis Hopper in 'Blue Velvet'
http://www.amazinghealth.co.uk/himalayan-salt-pipe.html?gclid=CLXhhs-NrsgCFWR22wodcFkNLw

i'm a bit wheezey and there's lots of bile. My liver is not doing it's job as it should a nor is the bile. The bile should be for transporting toxins out but it's too clogged. I know I need to adjust the combination of foods that I'm eating to ease things along a bit and at the same time the synthetic hormones for my thyroid and the steroid cream are glueing up my system. I want to get off them both and I will. I'm definately nearer to having my first consultation with Kathryn Alexander.

i've had to stop bouncing and it's been over a week now, because i've injured my achilles tendon dancing, of all things. Having fun, experiencing great pleasure...hmmnn? This makes a very big difference to the overall climate on planet Caroline and it concerns me because I had hoped that things would be ticking over a bit more independently by now. At the same time i am certain this is a direct expression of my emotions in the context of this ending and this continuing movement forwards. I'm so much closer to what I want and there are things to let go of inthe process.It must be scaring me. Oh the paradoxes!

Last week i wanted to stop everything. Not move. i didn't want to run away from the pain of separation, because this would mean the end and i didn't want an end. I want to honour my feelings and I know in my heart that nothing of real importance ever ends completely. Especially when it's a relationship that has been so profoundly significant. I'm almost half way there on this. Nevertheless I think that one foot is still firmly stuck in the bog.

So my body in it's wisdom has found a few ways to ensure that i do stay still a while. There's a very useful purpose for this because i do not want to carry this grief around with me forever and again, if i give this my attention it feels less violent and less pressing. i am being kind and my physical symptoms instruct me to be more measured with myself. It's a fine balance because if i stay too long i risk dwelling in it and if i rush on too quickly i run away from myself and this weakrens the new sense of equilibrium that I'm experiencing and ultimately the feeling of freedom i am coming to more and more often these days.

Today's song (does anyone listen to these??)An older woman's take this adolescent 'stuff' just copy and paste into your address window
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ciiCyxOJA