Hello, Yes!

Exploring ways to hold and contain but mainly survive itching and pain. In my current meditation how amazing to discover that each moment is jam packed with 'material'. In the context of itching for instance, I have learned that just as with pain when your body may twist and tense in response to it, simultaneously contained in the physical sensation there is a mental clinging to a past and a future. I'm aware that with pain (and itching) my body becomes immersed in 'a fearful anticipation of the future' for example that this itch will get worse and worse and will never ever end leading to my head swelling up again and my illness going back to what it was and looking like a monster and feeling like I'm half dead just like before and and and ................But. If I remember to breath into it, even welcome it?, say "Hello" or "Yes?" to it, my body feels this and the same itch begins to dissolve. It really just goes away puff!.It's as if a small child is pulling and tugging at me and the more I try to push her away or ignore her the more persistent and distressed she becomes. If I reach down and say kindly 'yes what is it you need from me?' and I try to feel what it is I'm feeling in the same instance, she becomes calm again. I'm beginning to see a correlation between certain thoughts and feelings about memories and people or things or situations and the intensity of the itching, just like I have with certain foods and substances.It's grounding and soothing and I'm beginning to experience the day to day differently. I experience moments in a more Caroline friendly way, when I remember... and I don't beat myself up too much when I forget. I just carry carry on.

It's been an important week with my emotions. I had a bit of a blip and I really had a bit of a wobble. A situation arose where it became very clear that somebody whom I chose put alot of trust in turned out to be not who or what I expected them to be. This was someone supposed to be guiding me with my healing. I really wanted to relax and have someone look after me for a change. The situation delivered me back nicely to a place in my heart filled with unresolved feelings from the past that needed airplay and space before parking them for good. Useful but very painful too. Better out than in (and dragged around with me where ever I go eh!).

For one reason or another I now have two absolutely amazing teenage/young women firmly in my life and I think they've inspired me because I find myself re-visiting my own teenage years. So I've found myself listening to some choice numbers from the eighties when I ditched the bondage and safety pins, grabbed a chain bag and played with being a soul-girl for a bit. So for today's song here's a performance that's just complete madness to watch. I secretly wanted to be a backing singer and I especially liked this whole production. Costumes to die for! Enjoy.... and dance if you like this sort of thing, I'm going to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=god7hAPv8f0