Tatty Bye! slán go fóill!

Ooops it's been three weeks since I last said hello. Sorry about this, and today is just a quickei too. I've been busy doing nothing. The paradox is that my body has been very very busy re-orientating itself. Lots of scarey stuff attached to being in the hospital wheels and cogs and I will talk about this in more detail later. It's been a ride, and again (again again) up to me and how I chose to recieve and percieve things if I am to reach the place or outcome that I am journeying towards.. Potent stuff indeed!

Surfice it to say, I am feeling so much better, the ocean liner is slowly but gradually beginning to turn itself around. I feel as if my life-force is returning. I feel creative and uplifted and inspired...even dare I say it excited. Things are looking up, and as I prepare for my trip to Ireland all I can think of is how marvelous (lovely under used word) it will be to be with my sisters, their spouses, their children, the dogs and cats, the house, the mountains, the fresh air and good food, the conversation and most of all the sheer otherness of it all. I'm getting out of this place for a while yee hah! I will miss Dylan because for the first time ever I won't see him on christmas day,he's off to France with his dad and family. We will make up for this back in London when we return from our respective trips, two christmases, so this feels OK.

Here're my offerings for today, one a poem by a great inspirational man John Welwood, who is teaching me alot about how to live..It's about a minute please take the time you won't regret it. The other a bit of nostalgic punk.

Happy Christmas and a healthy and joy-filled 2015 to all of you who bother to follow this strange blog. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your precious love and support!!!

LOVELOVELOVE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsB3174iJC4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKDEvbABquo

Waiting waiting game..

I thought it might not be so simple getting out of here. Now I have to be 'officially discharged' so I'm waiting for the consultant and his entourage. I've been woken up at 6a.m having not actually gone to sleep until 3.45 ish. They wake you up and ask you if you are alright; it's uncanny how it's always just as you are at that dribbly dropping-off stage. It doesn't matter what time, day or night. Utterly bizarre and very annoying. I've done gentle Yoga and some lovely Chakra energising meditations and I've watched last night's episode of "The Fall" which in my opinion is becoming a bit unfeasable and I've packed my stuff up.

So now I'm waiting to go home..and I certainly won't miss this old view.

I've just been told 'we have no idea when you can go. It will be once the doctor does his rounds but we can't tell you what time that will be.' This is most helpful. Good job I ordered another sumptuous and deliciously nourishing lunch. Another thing I will really miss, the food..

I'm so

tired and very bored.. so it's another boring entry today, sorry about that.

.

Today's song to myself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkBUx6Zn6mo

I came, I saw, I conquered !

A bit fresher, getting stronger and stronger, home tomorrow, done with Pnemonia, pah!

playing...

Had a little play yesterday...

Reached the edge, didn't fall in..

I'm getting stronger every day so thought I'd give this a try.

Last monday I was admitted to the CCU unit at Lewisham Hospital with Pnemonia. I'd got into my bed on friday and had just not been able to get out of it. This was following the stimulation of my Thymus gland and the mercury filled tooth extraction both on the Thursday. It had all seemed relatively easy on the day, I even got my hair cut which I have no memory of actually doing, then that night I came down heavily with a relentless cough that just went from bad to worse. I really know the true meaning of the phrase "coughed my guts up" now. By Monday I was in no fit state for anything and I called my sister Sarah for help, who called a doctor, who called an ambulance.

How could things get so bad?..do you know I think I'll have to explain that later, I'm just too tired today, but suffice it to say I was in a very vulnerable state and therefore very prone to infection.
So I've been fighting it hard since then and I've also had to have my wits about me in here because there are alot of unecessary invasive and potentially further damaging 'procedures' that the doctors will try to pressure you into in order to cover their own backs. My older sister Rebecca has been invaluable and so I believe has Courtney White? Thank you so much you two! I'm not exaggerating. For example one night I was told I was going down for "Chemotherapy"! It transpired that it was a case of mistaken identity, I haven't got Cancer, and if I hadn't categorically refused to move, literally clutching onto my blankets for dear life, who knows what would have happened. This wasn't just the once, there's a catalogue.

So now the sun is shining right on me ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it feels so good. Look at this! I'm going to have to go and soak up some vitamin D now. I will be more detailed in my account of this horrible nightmare soon. I have learned so much more and there are some major life decisions waiting outside for me not too far off, in the wings..Time to unstick myself and breathe in life!

Leopard skin arms, still no offers of help with the shed and 'Super Vet'.

At 4 a.m this morning I was still coughing my guts up. So I was looking for a way to distract myself whilst sitting up because lying down makes it worse. I have discovered 'Supervet'. So now along with my strange new love of 1930's circa figureines I am going to be devouring 'SUPERVET'. He's this vet that re-builds animals with pins and artificial joints etc. It's compelling! (Well for me anyway) It doesn't tax the brain, allows you to release some tears and somehow all this rooting for the animals does distract me. Channel 4 OD love it! Check out Tom the highly strung terrier. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-supervet/4od. Is this sad? No! Anyway I don't care! I also watched a very good film with Kirston Dunst and Ryan Gosling. A true story of murder and intrigue.http://www.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70116678&trkid=13462100&tctx=-99%2C-99%2C6884b39c-712a-4147-b986-9d1364a7f065-80691511

I've mislaid all my cooking skills. I decided to make a lovely warming soup. Just throw it all in. All organic. Parsnip, potatoe, courgette, carot and fennel. Bit of Garlic, small ammount of cumin an onion and lots of parsley.. Sounds good eh? Filthy! Don't know what I did..not nice at all and I now have a vat of it.

Anyway this is a quick one today, my eyes are on stalks. Started a whole new month long programme of homeopathic help that intends to address the fact that I have a malabsorbsion issue with the supplements because the mercury poisoning is over riding the supplements. Please wish me luck with this next chapter.

I've haven't put pen, pencil, brush or stitch to paper canvas or fabric in weeks! Yesterday I made three very thin lines in various shades of red...thats all.

HERE'S AN HOUR OF FUNK FOR YOUR DELECTATION..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOroVqxJJ1c

Couldn't have been easier!

Had the extraction yesterday. It was easy as pie. It didn't bleed, it hardly hurt and it is healed over already.I took a new remedy called Emerald, which is all about reminding my body how to let go. I did some very good guided meditations around letting go too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHFGqmxqS5kI. I like this guy, no frills and no ego and I really didn't want the dentist's shoe on my chest...

Now, as my lodger pointed out, although it would appear that I'm in a pretty bad way, this proves that my body is in an optimum state of healing. Compared to the mammouth task it is in the middle of this tooth was nothing. This is a great reminder for me. This past week I've been in a very dark place and I don't ever want to go back there. I forgot to be nice to myself, I forgot to thank my body for all of it's hard work. Yes the body, my body definately responds to this chat.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyCGvmaP78I

Today I discovered a fantastic trick, and one I would have got in no end of trouble with my mum for if I'd been living at home, with the price of fuel what it is nowadays.. I'm such a old biddy these days and I just couldn't get warm. I still had a fever, so I put my dressing gown in the dryer for ten minutes. Putting it on was the most pleasurable experience I've had in a very long time. Warm as toast! Lovely!

I'm still looking for volunteers to help me sort my shed out. Please see the last post and get in touch with me if you are at all game. It's a couple of hours work and would make me so happy! I'm just not able to do it mtself right now and I don't want to loose out on the shed. Come on you lot ! It's a seriously good cause!!!.

Now finally on the THYMUS gland. The one that's caused all the trouble this week. Situated in the middle of the chest, the centre of everything and so so vital to everything. Thank you Sarah for highlighting this for me. After having it stimulated with some accupressure, just a tiny bit mind, I felt as if everything that I've ever been angry about in my life had come back to bite my bum. Ancient and modern stored up swallowed down festering deap feelings that have never been honoured, were very much around. Responses to anger in my family when I was a child were very confusing. I was an angry child and I was punished for it. The message I got was that I was intrinsically bad. Rotten to the core in fact. Nice.If you hold in feelings of this nature if you swallow them whole it effects your entire endochrine system; your liver, your kidneys, your Lymphatic System, your Adrenal glands, your Thyroid, your Thymus your ituitary gland they all serve each other, nothing exists in isolation. Repressing or suppressing feelings effects everything!

http://www.movemoretoday.com/feel-better-thump-your-thymus/ Try this exercise see how you feel afterwards. Also this longer one which really helped me..http://www.angriesout.com/ultimate-anger-release.htm.

My hair is falling out at the moment, quite alot. As you can imagine this is not nice either, so I got it all lopped off today, I also got my eyebrows shaped so I no longer look like Bette Davis before the transformation in 'Now Voyager'. Fantastic film by the way..here's a clip. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-KGiwGn1d8 I think I look better. That was all of my energy spent for the day.

Oh my god! Bentonite Clay!

http://www.aboutclay.com/info/Uses/skin_problems.htm

Tonight I had the absolute worst itching that I can remember. So intense that I was actually thinking about getting some wire wool and scrubbing the skin on my arms off..Bloody appalling. Instead I reached for a ready mixed batch of clay and plastered it all over. The itching stopped in minutes. So tonight I'll be going back to my old beauty regime to illiminate any chances of sleep-scratching which is lethal.

I've had a busy two three days. Went to pick up the shed but it wasn't ready to be picked up, still full to the brim with stuff. It's a lovely shed and bigger than I expected. Huge thankyou to Denise! Looks like I might be able to adapt it into a lovely work space. It'll need repair and I need to beg steal or borrow a couple of fit men or women, about 10ft by 9ft of paving stones to sit it on, two architectural chip boards measuring 8ft by 4ft some waterproofing and a brain or two because mine doesn't work. We agreed that it will be good to get this stuff in place before going back to take it apart. Any offers? I will make you some art and some good good food in return. Or there'll be a bottle of your choice in it for you..come on I know we can do this thing!

I had a mixed day today a visit to SoundHeart Music school to check out a room I may be able to use for free for a while so I continue working with my one client. There are three choices and they are pretty suitable. What a relief! Rosita at Soundheart is an absolute angel and willing to support me to keep seeing this one boy and then when I am well enough to begin building a practice from there I will start paying rent. I'm so pleased because it's a good piece of work I'm doing with this boy, we are really getting somewhere. Sothis is good news indeed.

Then on to the dentist to sound him out about tmy mercry poisoning. This was very upsetting because of course I had to recite to him what's happened to my body and my life since January. When I talk about it like this it upsets me because I still can't really believe it's happening to me. It's getting more and more difficult to hide the effects. I'm closer to not attempting to hide it from people, which is good and bad, but it's hard to let go of this idea I have of myself waking up one morning and everything is fine again, all the work has paid off and as with giving birth, I can hardly remember the pain of it...It brings up a lot for me whichever way I look at it.

The dentist does not have the equipment for safely removing amalgam fillings. He told me not to worry that I would only feel the ill effects for about 6 weeks afterwards. Hello! Please see the link that I shared on tuesday if you are in any doubt. He has however pledged that he will fully support me to approach the NHS about paying for removal and replacement. The tooth that is broken and pouring out mercury is going to go. I decided today. I have to say goodbye and thank you to it in the hope that removing it will make a difference to the healing process. I know that it will because all of my symptoms are of mercury poisoning. Next week I am having it extracted. Wouldn't it be fabulous if this was all I needed to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfTqHw0N7v4&list=RDcc3u9bVV6s4&index=20 Hah!

I then visited Roger Dyson Kinesiologist who has written me a letter of support imploring the NHS to help me. I'm just exhausted now and I can't get warm even though my skin is burning like a little furnace.

Old Tommy Cooper joke:
‘So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

Today's music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nNGlaiVypU&index=18&list=RDcc3u9bVV6s4
..I love this..dear dead days.. Over and out now..



I WOULD LIKE TO SUE THE NHS!

Round and around in circles....

Today's song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjPhzgxe3L0.

Bless him, what a poseur. I hear he has cancer now, well that's no surprise to me. I hope he put's that angry belligerent attitude he still has towards healing himself, poor blighter.

I do not want this blog to be miserable, I do not.. I do not want to feel miserable.However there are some days like today when there's just no pretending. I feel miz. Things have taken a turn for the worst over the past month and there's been no let up. I'm on very little sleep and my body is complaining in a most assertive manner. I'm also bored, so bored with this condition; all the hard work. I want to be working creatively but I have no where to work from and just one client at the moment. The offers of a space to work from while I build up my private practice have fallen through and I'm trying not to panic because it appears that yet more of my previous life must fall by the wayside. There's a powerful sense of loss around for me today. Oh me oh my!

I did make it to Daren Callow's wonderful, hilarious at times and very moving show at the Kitchen Window Gallery on Sunday: http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/. Really worth a look.

I also had to get to other appointments yesterday, so I guess this is the fall-out. I went back to see the Kinesiologist Roger Dyson. He did some extensive testing and we discovered that most of the supplements that I am taking are not particularly helpful to my body at the moment and one of them is actually too much for my liver to deal with and is actually causing me more harm than good. This is because my liver is still very toxic and working very hard to clear out any nastiness in my body. This is what I meant when I spoke previously about the risks of experimentation and there really is no other way than trial and error sometimes. My understanding from Roger is that this is not to say that the supplements will not be useful in the future, just that I need to approach things even more gradually and gently than I have been so far because my liver just can't cope with any extra processing right now. It's really damaged. Roger has also confirmed my suspicion that there is a huge issue with mercury fillings releasing poison into my system. I had suspected this for some time having done some of my own research, because every flare-up seems to start around my mouth, ear and throat, in very close proximity with the fillings. So while the mercury in my fillings is not the cause of my ill health it is a significant factor in the healing picture. This is because the mercury is overriding my body's attempts to absorb essential vitamins and minerals.All this means that all my hard work is being scuppered before it has a chance to work. Please check out the footage of amalgam filled teeth leaking mercury, it's terrifying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnQ-T7oiA Who's bizarre idea was it to put the most poisonous substance known to man in our mouths?? It's all about money of course.

Roger's advice is to have the fillings removed as a priority otherwise I will continue to go around and round in circles. This is exactly what I am feeling like. It's as if I'm in a treadmill. Everytime I get my body to a certain point everything just seems to ping right back to the beginning again and it's really taking it's toll on my skin and my mental health.

The good news is that a friend and I are going to be picking up that free 8ft by 8ft shed tomorrow. I have high hopes for that shed! Fingers crossed I can adapt it into a small work space AND EVERYTHING CROSSED we can actuallly take it apart and get it back here without me collapsing. I have an image of Dylan Thomas's boathouse in mind, fabulous! and staying with the welsh feel here's a joke to make you smile 'Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.'It's not unusual' he replied. Boom boom! See, I will not be defeated!!

I celebrate myself! And NO.I am not dying!

I can't find myself..I liked how I looked here, only last May..and I'm forced to re-evaluate all that I valued about myself. Not much when I think about how upsetting it is to loose my looks again and again. It may be temporary.I do hope so. But maybe not. Ten months feels more permanent than temporary, and I've aged. About ten years.

Yes I've had yet another big flare-up healing crisis thingy this month and it's dragging on, still manefesting and I'm left with pretty low levels of confidence in myself and what I'm doing. I want to go out on Sunday. The lovely Daniel Lehan's Kitchen Window Gallery has another intriguing event. Darren Callow.http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/.23%2Bat%2B16.33.jpg" />

Hello Sunshine!

Lovely bit of Sunshine on my window sill! I'm already feeling the pain that comes with the dwindling of this luscious light and being able to position myself in the afternoon sunlight, bathing my my face fully in it as an aid to my meditations. I struggle with just being and it's so much easier when my friend the sun is shining.

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything here. I had a delayed reaction to working on the Nunhead Open. By the way the open was a triumph and so good for me. It wasn't the work, I loved every minute of that. However whilst working, for practical reasons, I couldn't keep up my Gerson treatment at all and having to eat meals at all the wrong times coupled with the not so good but immediate and very tasty foods, (thank you Bajan Spice in Nunhead) put a strain on things. There was a price to pay.

Essentially the experience has made me appreciate yet another layer of myself that is sooo in denial and actually downright belligerent about the current state of affairs. My body is vulnerable and I mustn't deviate from the job. It's in the process of some deap healing and needs all the support and energy it can get because reserves are quite low. This is not forever but it is for the time being and healing won't be hurried or messed with anymore. So I was a bit naughty. This week I went to collect my arts therapy kit school. Closure on that one. It was an emotional experience and I needed to do something nice afterwards. A great friend of mine came with me and we decided to go and have a slap-up vietnamese meal with pudding, to cheer us up but also for old times sake. It was delicious; please go I recommend it highly, http://www.cafeeastpho.co.uk/.The week before this I had a wonderful English breakfast, with pudding and with another fabulous friend. I believe that both of these meals, especially the puddings put a huge strain on my system, so the latest flare-up is my body saying "ouch!". Cleansing and detoxing is well underway now and it's not pleasant or pretty..I've learned my lesson and I'm trying to settle into the idea that this is just how things are going to be for a while yet. So any non extortionate vegan style sugar free, wheatfree cafe or restaurant recommendations will be gratefully recieved.

Anyway for now I'm just proud that I've managed a blog entry and hope that momentum will return now that I've done it. I have to admit I've been down in the dumps and pretty demoralised with this latest flare-up. A dear friend sent me this radio programme recording by a journalist with 'skin issues'. It really moved me and I'm left with a sense of longing..If only I could see the beauty in these scars (of mine). Here's the link please listen if you'd like to get a sense of what it's like..http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/radio3/essay/essay_20141014-2245a.mp

Last-ish word..My dear sister Sarah came to visit me today. She allowed me to have a rant and a cry without trying to tidy me up or offer me solutions and she told me I'm beautiful and hugged me whole heartedly....Words can't adequately express how much this has helped to raise my spirits, thankyou thank you my lovely Sarah, you know I'm writing this blog because of you.

DONATIONS NEEDED URGENTLY!

Again as the month progresses the worry about how I will manage to get hold of the supplements and oils takes hold.I am about to run out of Essential Fatty Acid oil for my skin, Bluegreen Algae capsules for essential minerals and vitamins, L-Glutamine powder for gut healing and production of gastric juices , Liver capsules, Pancreatine for digestive enzymes to aid digestive process, and as always organic coffee and organic veg by the truck load (I'm two weeks behind). Paul Cole ( formally of Abel and Cole) of Capricorn Organics is brilliant by the way I recommend him very highly for top quality fruit, veg and much more, to your door.http://www.capricornorganics.co.uk/. Two fingers up to Abel and Cole! over and out for today..

Weirdly...

How interesting and helpful that the last entry, just before the action hotted up on the Nunhead Open http://thesurgery.turnpiece.net/gallery/3229 and my show at the Kitchen Window Gallery http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/, I had posted a picture of my swollen face.. Just this Thursday gone people I came into contact with throughout the day were remarking on how well I looked. I thought that I did too. However I was not feeling good and I'd been getting very little sleep because about a week previously I started to itch very intensely particularly at night. I was feeling very puzzled because this very same day a new flare-up had come on so hard and fast, within a couple of hours, and seemingly without warning. Not so, I discover when re-visiting this blog. The proof is in the picture. I was already experiencing warning signs. I'd conveniently forgotten that I'd also had to cry off during the Nunhead Open hanging days; something I had hated doing. More warning signs. I didn't ignore them but I didn't listen hard enough.


I realise now that I've been having trouble taking this process as seriously as it requires me too. If I'm honest I've been dipping in and out of it according to my committments. I now know that there is a very real cost from taking any kind of work on, even just meeting a friend for lunch or tea means sacrificing part of my treatment. Now that I have honoured my work committments, and I am proud that I have, I am making a promise to myself. Now I must commit to the full Gerson treatment if I am to make a full recovery and this means spending a lot of time with myself and no deviations. The treatment takes up almost every minute of every day and I have to be extremely organised and strong willed. I find this idea scarey because although I like my own company there is a risk of my becoming isolated in the process. That said there is no going back now. No more "oh fuck it I'm going to down a whole packet of visa versa chocolates in one go nobody'll know" incidents at the cinema. Bloody yummy though! No more "what's a couple of missed juicing, coffee and meditation days?". No more messing, I'm getting back on the healing track Jack!

Thankyou thankyou thankyou, you know who you are, to those who have made it possible this month for me to continue with supplementation and skin soothing and hydration. I have been able to pay my grocery bill, buy a bottle of Ascorbyl Palmitate, for info on why:http://www.atoneonline.com/blog/2012/fat-soluble-versus-water-soluble-vitamin-c/, a bottle of Nutri Thyroid natural thyroid support, a bottle of L Glutamine:http://www.l-glutaminebenefits.com/glutamine-benefits-for-the-stomach/, a bottle of Pantothenic Acid https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vitamins/vitamin-b5-or-pantothenic-acid, and four tubes of Hope's Relief Creme to help soothe and nourish itching and enflamed skin and two packets of organic coffee for enemas. Total value equalling £157. I still need four bottles of Essential fatty acid complex, a bottle of Blue Green Algae capsules and a bottle of Selenium capsules total value of £70 and there is an ongoing need for help with coffee and groceries. Any offers or contributions will be warmly recieved..Failing this, short visits, phone calls, blog comments or messages of encouragement always go down well and serve to keep the boat floating.

I wanted this entry to be a bit more entertaining and was coming to that, however itching has become unbearable and I'm going to have to go and either rip my arms to shreds or do tonight's mummy impression with clay and bandage. For now I'm glad we've re-connected and here's a nice song until next time...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdNCHomHlU

This week's lesson learned

Hippy song for the day..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Js2Ef5Ojg

I spent a really lovely afternoon with two people who I feel very relaxed with and I came home feeling tired but nourished in every sense. However the next day my face, neck, feet and hands began to swell and I felt as if I was unravelling again. I found this so perplexing and I felt alerted enough to spend some time thinking and trying to sense if there was some connection. Initially my sense was simply that the effort involved in cycling down there and back, also I tried a couple of foods that I've been steering clear of, was enough to do it..however I couldn't get this feeling that there was more to it than this, out of my mind.

The emotional exploration I've been doing as part of this self-healing has come to a point that is very much around accepting myself, and in particular accepting the way I look when I am experiencing a 'flare-up'. It's a really big job for me to take on and the reason that I am sharing this picture of myself when I am semi-swollen is that I think I've learned a hard lesson this week and I am still right in the centre of it if I'm honest. So it's about vulnerability and for me who it is safe to be that with? I know that my childhood was filled with messages, whether sent to me unconsciously or not, that I recieved as " you are not lovable unless you are perfect" whatever that is. I just didn't realise how deaply ingrained this is for me, and how out of date!! I didn't realise the extent to which my body and mind work together and rally, in order to present myself as (what my twisted mind thinks is) acceptable.
If I'm to continue in this reality tv kind of way, I really don't know yet what to do with this and it scares me to death because my temptation is to go down the panic path of feeling as if I have been stripped down to the bone and that there will be nothing left of me or for me...this is just me inventing stories.
Now I am putting my energy into remembering that I don't need to know yet what is next, being aware is enough for now. On a practical level I am conserving energy for the exciting weekend ahead. The fun begins on Saturday with the start of the Nunhead Open. Artist's dropping their work off all day. wHat could be more exciting!

I find this talk on TED by Brene Brown says alot about what I've shared today in a much more eloquent way than I ever could. Please have a listen if you have time, it's really quite good for everyone!
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1203038

Soap box guinepig skeleton woman

On reviewing the last few months, the start of this 'campaign' deciding reluctantly to ask for support and do a blog I've realised that I may not have been as clear as I could've been about the aim of this venture and of what exactly I am asking for support with..

Following some recent feedback or more accurately the question in response to my campaign, "why doesn't she just claim benefits?' I would like to respond with sincere apologies for my lack of clarity on this one. I am certainly not asking for donations towards my living costs, and never would. I have this covered. I am still seeing two clients a week and for this I am entitled to a small ammount of Family Tax Credits which I have put in a claim for. I have also now given up my bedroom.

This is a request for support to heal myself. This is a live experiment in self-healing. This a fly in the face of conventional medicine, which just hasn't worked for me. This is a blog from which hopefully many who embark on the same or similar healing path will benefit (once I have worked out how to 'embed' key information in the text so that it is easier for people to find during random searches), this is a heart-felt and sincere research project.

I am a human guinepig for anyone interested and I am going to be, have been, sharing my mistakes and my successes. I am also going to be sharing links to other blogs, companies that supply good products, recipes, philosophies,spiritual teachings, songs, films, jokes, images and more. I am taking huge risks in the name of human progress and I am going to share it all for posterity. This is because I believe with a passion that the more people learn how to take responsibility for themselves as apposed to expecting all the answers to come from the outside, the better the world will become...what a heroic warrior woman I am!

Out visiting my Lungs. This is what I see and feel..

Breathing..the breath is everthing..as I realise I have been holding on to my breath for most of my life. As most of us do, starting with the unecessary traumatic experience of highly medicalised birth..."hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!" This is how we start life..some of us in utero..I can't breath... I forget to breath... my cells don't have enough oxygen..hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!

Heart and lungs...miraculous revelations..

Early on this year around January, on the eve of this particular leg of my decisive move towards a more life filled life, I was very in touch with my heart and lungs. I work with a body psychotherapist and a clinical supervisor. Both requirements if I am to adequately support my vulnerable clients. At that time I was also working with a cranio-sacral oesteopath because my physical symptoms were extreme and I was unable to walk properly let alone work properly. I was becoming more and more aware of a sense that there was a real confusion in me around what was safe to take in and what to let go of. This included anything from food to air to love..and I was feeling it physically and emotionally simultaneously. I was also making lots of images around this theme. I had a seminal session with my oesteopath Julia Findlay.http://www.claphamfamilyosteopath.co.uk/
For a full explanation of how cranio-sacral oesteopathy works see:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craniosacral_therapy. Simplistically a cranio-sacral oesteopath works with the body's vibrations. She or he will be highly trained at being extremely attuned to your body's rhythms through a almost meditative 'listening' to and feeling sense of your body involving gentle touch. It is an amazing form of treatment and it works. Anyway I was walking around with this confusion and it was making me very uncomfortable. There were not words then to express it but I knew what it felt like very well. I went for a treatment with Julia because she has helped me to feel more balanced many times before when I had had injuries from falling off my bike, breaking my ribs , my wrist and my ankle to abiding lower back problems. All sign posts from my body that something was already really amiss. I was in a really bad way and after a very deap session she was able to describe to me that she had felt very powerfully that the pericardial chambers to my heart were so tightly constricted that my heart was having great difficulty with circulating blood and essential fluids. So Julia and I were literally quite breathless because this of course is the whole basis of 'unconventional' medicine. Of course the physical and the emotional are so intrinsically intertwined and to have it confirmed that all of my 'felt-sense' of the state of play in my body had a basis in reality was very helpful and awesome indeed...

Today's cheesey song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGJgc6_9sWc

and so my first attempt at explaining the roots of this chapter of my journey to rude health. I hope it's made some sense to you.if not why not take a bold step and leave a comment or question for me. I'd love it if you did.

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Introduction

I'd like to introduce you to my juicing elbow. There's a lump the size of a golf ball now. I think it's a blocked lymph-node from the repetitive strain of the hand cranking. There's no pain when I'm juicing but it does hurt at night, alot. Not a pretty sight and nor am I at the moment. I'm re-visiting the beginning stages of this thing as part of my treatment in order to come un-stuck. I've been stuck. I am addressing some very deap emotional 'stuff' with homeopathic remedies at the moment. There are layers to treat and this is the bottom layer, so vitally important as it is the basis for everything. The foundations are being excavated and re-laid. We treat this and we are treating everything that came as a result..afterwards. It's a profound experience and I've had a wobble this week. I'm working with a new homeopath. I'm impressed with her, she's very spiritual and fey. She sees and feels me, my history my emotional life and I trust her.

I have learned so far that the digestive tract is everything when we embark on a self-healing journey, however underneath this layer always, are the emotions. Every dis-ease has it's roots in the emotional life. So what we are working on right now is key.It can be very scarey indeed I can tell you. I actually look like Marlon Brando in 'The God Father' at the moment, my face is all puffy and yellow. It's not a look I recommend for anyone, specially if you're a girl. Also it really does breathe life into alot of demons for me. It feels as if my skin has aged twenty years and I turned fifty in December. I wasn't planning to age this much in eight months. No time to grieve or try preventative beauty treatments just bamb! "hello you're 70 now love, don't make a fuss!" I'm told it'll all go back to normal, but it's hard to believe. I'm telling you, I'm going to do something really significant to mark the time when this is all over.

Just preparing to leave my gorgeous bedroom this weekend as I have found a really lovely Australian woman to rent it out for a few months. I knew immediately that she was right. I think she'd going tobe a bit of a gift in this house, so not all bad..

Refuse to be held down anymore!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY0tsKCB4lc

THIS SONG MUST BE PLAYED LOUD AND DANCED TO WITH ARMS, LEGS AND TORSO MOVING TO MAXIMUM CAPACITY.HUH!.

There's no avoiding reference to the coffee enema once more..It is a vital aspect of the Gerson therapy and I've had such problems with 'holding on' which means the treatment was not functioning as it should be. I am delighted to announce that after fumbling about and experimenting with some really difficult mind work around being deserving of, recieving, accepting and holding on to love, I have had a week of succesful "backwards coffees" Horrah horrah horrah! feels so good. Now to get on with the buisiness of letting go of what I no longer need to make room for something new. S'what it's all about now.

Proud of myself..

I'm really very proud of myself today because yesterday and this morning I felt close to emotional and phsyical paralysis and I managed to drag myself back up the rocky slope to a more even ground. As I said I am now experiencing the symptoms of thyroid and adrenal fatigue and may need to consider going back onto a low dose of thyroid replacement hormone once I have primed my adrenal gland for a week or so. The symptoms are of very low energy, bloating and swelling around the face, neck, stomach, wrists and ankles, extremely dry skin and hair, hair loss and emotionally feeling very angry, low and defeated. But I had arranged to meet with a ten year old client of mine so as to have a proper ending with him. This is because the head teacher at the special school I was working as arts counsellor at chose to axe my post without warning, leaving no opportunity to give these very wounded children good endings. I have five more to think about and it's so vital because these children really don't trust anyone and they have built a trust with me over three years, some of them, not an easy thing by any means. My concern is that their already powerful script in life is that 'there is no point trusting anyone because people always abandon you in the end', would be further cemented by this terribly brutal cutting off of the safe space they've had in the sessions with me. So short-sighted of the HT.
So I managed to get down to Catford to meet him and it was very up lifting and rewarding to have done this. This boy was my very first client at the school and we've had a good ending today now. Not just for him but for me too. I'm glad I did that one. Then I came home and did some moving and shifting of possessions from one room to the other and a meditation on self healing that I find very helpful. I also managed to bake some yeast free spelt bread and paint the loo floor. Not bad eh?!.
I'm now sitting on the floor in the living room amongst all my clothes and bits thinking what a bloody clepto I am and how I might chuck some stuff out tomorrow. I'm imagining sleeping in here for the next few months..all the while there's this continuous buzzzing going on in my head which threatens to drive me to distraction if it doesn't stop soon. Everything can change in a day.

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Correction and sad song..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48cTUnUtzx4
I forgot here's a sad song..even though it's thursday..

Correction. For direct to Paypal donations the email is klinezworld@yahoo.co.uk
Thanks to DJ Kat BPM for pointing this out xxx Have a listen while your here

https://soundcloud.com/dj-bpm

Sorry but...

Sorry I'm feeling really angry right now I'm sharing this picture now probably will regret it in the morning, no I haven't been drinking more's the pity, just want to off load. This is my foot today. This is what I have to put up with and I hide the ugly bits I hide away until I'm more 'presentable' and I'm tired tired tired. So I'm putting it out there.. nasty isn't it.

Having said this I am strong and I am coping, I know what I'm doing, I know and understand why..just having a moment. Good night. Over and out.

Dancing and Thank you all!

Today I look and feel like Frankenstein's bride, if I move my head my neck splits. At the same time I feel like dancing as I accept it as a passing thing..it will finish when it's done and I am reminded to stop everthing, accept a bit of dancing, and rest up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_426RiwST8...Today's song.What a mover!

That's this month taken care of.Nearly £100 for that lot. Thank you everybody who so kindly donated. I admit I was worried about where these essentials were going to come from and at the eleventh hour help arrived. I still struggle with a sense of shame in my mind and disapproval at myself. A voice in me asks 'what rigtht do you have to ask others for money so you can continue healing your body? I can't waste energy with this because there really is no turning back now I'm on my way to a life of living and life is so worth living. I don't mind. I will share as much that I learn along the way as I can, because it's been hard work with much trial and error. Developments and improvements in process as I type. The body is amazing and thoughts hold it up....This mind work is free..

I have help which I accept with more gratitude than there are words for. I have love, I accept it on the same basis. Two things I have recently learned to do and both profoundly life changing for me...and there is joy in the process. Horrah! So what, there if is shame around. If I don't mind it give up the ghost and go away.
Please note it may be better if you are thinking of donating to go straight to my paypalThis would be rather than converting to dollars and back again which seems ridiculous. Please email me for details klinezworld @yahoo.co.uk

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Bit scared...

I'm feeling a bit scared because it feels as if my thyroid is going the other way. By this I mean that earlier on in this process I visited well respected Keneisiologist Roger Dyson. For an explanation of this practice cut and paste this link. :http://www.allergytestinglondon.co.uk/
After some extensive testing, together we worked out that I was overloaded with the synthetic hormone replacement thyroxine which was first prescribed to me 22 years ago when I was in my twenties. This is when I was diagnosed as having an underactive thryroid gland and meant that my thyroid gland was not producing enough of the hormone thyroxine which is vital to my whole body's well-being. During the past ten years I have done a lot of non-medical work to strengthen my thyroid gland so when Roger told me that there is now nothing wrong with my thyroid it was not a surprise to me. I had recently changed over to a new medication which was more natural than the previous one I'd been using, however this had come up as a contributary factor in the health picture, so I was gradually reducing the dose. About two months ago I stopped it all together and have had no adverse symptoms whatsoever. However in the past week I have had a shift from not sleeping at night at all to sleeping well and then sleeping like the dead..It's now very difficut to raise myself in the morning and I feel sluggish and bloated during the day. My face is beginning to look 'moon-like', swollen and my neck looks thicker to me and again is swollen around where the tyroid gland is...

All this may sound a bit health-borish however I'm trying to give a sense of the level of sheer risk and experimentation that I need to have in oder to take responsibility for my own health. I am 100% committed to this and it is scarey at times. So I would like you all to join me in crossing everthing, including eyes, that these symptoms are because my thyroid is now feeling a bit stretched as it does the work it needs to do. Often this is the case when a wrong diagnosis is made, conventional medical tests categorise parts of our bodies as "disfunctional' when actually the body is simply a bit tired from trying to heal itself. A good example of this is high levels of cholesterol. It's not always bad. When I broke my ribs my body produced alot of colesteral because it needed it to heal the bones. Anyhoo I'm having a blood test tomorrow and my homeopath and I will take it from there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5CVsCnxyXg Here's a song..that's it for today no jokes I'm afraid..thanks for tuning in..

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Identity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue5jyj_nosc

Sorry I haven't written anything for a few days..have had much burning and itching and cracking and oozing...not nice and have felt very frustrated and angry...I want to be open and reveal the content of these not so pleasant days in the blog at some point but I'm not quite ready..it's enough to stay here in them and not rush away from them..I'm learning so much about myself..I went all the way to Shepherds Bush today to meet a new Homeopath. It was a wonderful meeting and I feel as if I have arrived at the next junction of this wild, wonderful and terrible journey..It was a total of 5 hours travelling through every season though. I still managed to dodge the monsoon rain...Utterley mad in London today! Thanks so much for all your generous support and donations. I am truely humbled

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oh and....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthpicturegalleries/10236948/The-latest-photos-of-the-annual-Perseid-meteor-shower.html?frame=2641524

Thank you! This one's for you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhQU3fgCMXA

Thanks to all of you so far, for your generous donations. It means so much to me and it means that I can stop worrying about how I'm to buy this month's Hope's Relief cream x4 = £56 for the skin mix, Fatty Acid Complex oil, for everthing but also to moisturise skin x2 = £30, Avena Sativa tincture for calming the nervous system x1 =£8, MIlk thistle x1 for strenthening my liver =£15, Thyro complex essential vitamins for my thyroid x1 =£22, selenium for the immune system x1 = £8 and Aquasource blue green algae capsules £27. I don't buy all of these monthly but they had all run out and they do really really work.There's also the coffee for the ah hem.. enemas and of course the fruit and veg which I've managed to get down to £50 a week. All vital for treating the whole body. So THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU SO MUCH FOLKS!

I've added another picture of me looking reasonably 'well' it was taken two years ago...not there quite yet but after an exhausting 17 hour day I did sleep for 10 hours straight last night . Fantastic! Tomorrow I start work on my piece for Daniel Lehan's Kitchen Window Gallery sceduled to open on Sunday 28th September. Currently showing is talented Quebec Artist Josee Dubleau.

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Perseid Meteor showers this weekend!

Footnote for today

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2014/28jul_perseids2014/

Cop a load of this..

Everything is new!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJZcytFvR4c Today's song which I just put on randomly having not played it for a long while...

Today I've been digesting the concept of giving up my room. My sanctuary. I've always felt it to be my santum and I realise today that my sanctum is in me. I carry it with me, it's portable. I can't help thinking of the latest Perseid meteor showers happening as we speak and peaking this weekend. Bits of left over comet splintering off and creating a fireworks display in space. Everything in my home that's supposed to last is breaking or broken..Lights, taps, shower rail, fridge, oven; it's mad and I feel as if there's a massive letting go happening, everything I'm loosing is making way for something new. I advertised my bedroom for rent today. Needs must and it's only temporary hopefully. And the only real question in my mind now is How? I feel strong and my heart feels open.

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Frog in a bucket..

My lovely niece Ava took this. This is a frog that has decided to make it's home in my bucket. My pond has died this year however we discovered today that the bucket is live! I felt so low in energy and a bit miz today and then my nieces my sister and her partner came round just back from Greece and looking like the archetypal aerian dream family, and really boosted my spirits. They're a fabulous bunch and I love them to bits. Just shows how everything can change in just one hour because I'm back in the spirit of change and hatching ideas for fundraising. Now that I've also lost my job I need to be creative with a capital C. I can't help feeling that the frog in a bucket is a sign. Let's see if I can hang onto my home through this latest challenge.. My skin is a little less cracked and sore today after a new wrap I tried last night.

First I did the apple cider vinegar soak in a basin of warm water, see recipe on previous page "beauty tips for creatures of the night". Then I smoothed on a liberal layer of Unrefined Organic Shea Butter from Naissance www.natr.co.uk. It really is the very best and I've tried a few. I then put an qually liberal layer, really plaster it on, of Helios' own Homeopathic Calendular Creme (not lotion, lotion has lanolin and I find is too heavy) The creme really cools things down and comes in a large vat, unlike other cremes that come in a silly little tube and last about a day at 8 quid a go. http://www.helios.co.uk/about/helios-covent-garden I then wrapped the lot in cling film with the crepe bandage to hold it in place and I slept, yes slept for about five hours straight...horray! Anyone who might be reading this and has the inclination to make a donation thank you thank you thank you and please note that your donation will be registered as dollars and so will be less in sterling than you think.

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No sense

I've had a difficult few days that made no sense. Another mini flare-up came from nowhere, don't know why. Perhaps I don't need to keep asking why? The flare-ups are a good sign that things are moving and processsing and I still find it hard to see it this way when I'm in the middle of one because they are frustrating and inconvenient and leave me with no energy or creativity. I have work that I want to make and still haven't picked up my crayons ..

I'm out and about tomorrow again though. A strategy meeting about The Nunhead Tenth Annual Open Exhibition and celebrations. I've been co-coordinating this. We still have no sign of any funding and deadlines are getting nearer. It's looking really good and promises to be a really vibrant weekend of creative events in Nunhead; and we are remembering that we always manage to do it somehow and beautifully without much money at all. It runs from the 19th- 21st September. If I didn't have this to do I think I'd go mad.

http://thesurgery.turnpiece.net/image/40120.

Talking of madness, ex coffee addict meeting in Bambuni in Nunhead. This will drive me mad as I love love love their extra strong coffee and will not be having a single drop. The smell alone may mean they'll have to drag me off in a crissy crossy jacket when it's time to go home! Just realised I wasn't breathing whilst thinking of that one..deap breaths Caroline...

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Beauty tips for creatures of the night..

On a more positive note I'm going to share what I have learned for skin splitting and moisturization. I will include links to all suppliers at the end of this entry. I've tried many things and it's important to say that none will be a cure because that comes from working on the inside and requires more committment. Also this is what works for me so there is absolutely no guarentee it will work for someone else, we are all our own blueprint after all. So I discovered Bentonite Clay. I tried drinking it combined with ground Psyllium Husk for help with healing the gut and liver and this does work really well if you have no skin issues however for me, taking it internally is just too drying right now. I'll come back to that one when my skin is more healed.

Now for an over-night treatment of extremely itchy skin, I use it mixed with warm water packed onto very moisurized skin. First I will give the skin a quick soak in a sink of warm water with a half a tea cup of Biona Apple Cider Vinegar (with the mother). Then I will try really hard not to scrub it dry with the towel just gently pat dry. Use an old towel and spread it over the area you are working at. After this I smooth on some Naissance organic unrefined Shea butter which goes some way towards keeping the skin hydrated. Then I spoon the bentontie clay paste mix quite thickly over the affected area and wrap it in cling-film. To keep it all in place (it is messy)I bandage it up in cotton crepe bandage which can be found in any half way decent chemist.In the morning the skin is a bit prune-like for a short time but the splits are very clean, much improved and you haven't been able to get at it to scratch it within an inch of it's sorry litle life.

Et Voila! it's definately a look!

http://www.clayremedies.com/Info_About_Edible_Clays.html

Bentonite Clay powder, Shea Butter by Naissance and Biona Apple Cider Vinegar with the mother can be bought on Amazon or at a good health foods shop.

Playing this loud

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nsv_bPSpcw

Corny.. but true today.. achieved alot yesterday, but paying the price today.. this song came into my mind and other more relationship orientated scenarios when I've felt like this.

Had a terrible night with intense muscular pain that made me cry..Resting and juicing will be today.

Opportunity?

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My local music shop Sound Heart on Brockley Rise SE23, a very friendly and relaxed bunch, whom I highly recommend for music tuition and supplies if you don't know them already, have very kindly offered the shop as a venue for a coffe and cake morning as a fund raiser.

http://soundheartmusic.co.uk/soundheart-forrest-hill/

I am looking for donations of home-made cakes and possibly the loan of some cafetieres. I will most probably arrange this in the next couple of weeks for a Wednesday or Friday. I will keep you posted about the date and time. I got a letter on Friday informing me that my job no longer exists due to lack of funding.. lawks a mimi, whatever next! No this is an opportunity. The canvas is definately blank now. To quote a person very dear to my heart 'Scarey!...and exciting!Or another who told me "When your back's against the wall you'll never feel more alive" Though he told me today he really meant to say 'you'll never be more petrified'
By the way I've just had a lovely lunch OUT and a lovely exhibition by Quebecian artist Josee Dubeau at The Kitchen Window Gallery. Really lovely experience..

http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/

re-bounding

So funny when you're in the mood.... Because my Lymph and digestive system are not functioning at full speed I need to kick start the system. Re-bounding involves bouncing merrily on a mini trampoline for ten minutes a few times a day. It's also surprisingly good for pain if you can drag yourself on to it and do it gently. I recommend it highly. Most importantly it lifts my spirits and I like watching the streets below my house go up and down..I'm happy to say my energy is coming back. I HAVE SLEPT FOR THREE NIGHTS! HAL LE LOO YAH! I've baked two loafs of olive and sundried tomatoe bread already and it looks like I'm going to lunch with friends! I'm on day release today, must try not to get too excited and dribble with the joy of it.. For more info on re-bounding see:

http://www.mygutsy.com/jump-out-the-toxins-rebounding-for-lymph-drainage/

I forgot...'The Curtains of Zagra'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZlch5szCUE

Here's a song by under-acknowledged artist song-writer and genuinely nice man Mikey Georgeson.

I've played it many times of late. I urge you to look up and buy the album, every track is a gem!

Feeling positive!

I'm feeling much stronger today. It's 2.30 and I've really achieved alot. I've made three juices already, also baked a lovely couple of spelt and mixed seed yeast free bread and a delicious courgette and fennel soup.
http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/12267/courgette-and-fennel-soup.aspx
I've also done a guided EFT 'tapping' session which really made me smile.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WSUhimBcnU&list=PL9CTvnrgVcaAJWEBuFG_1yGYKZRcv9VP3

I think Joseph Anthony has borrowed Groucho Marx's facial hair for this but hey what ever turns him on. EFT is a wonderful free and easily transportable resource. It works through forcing a gentle shift in our energy by tapping on well known meridian points on the upper body. You really can do it anywhere and you can also tailor it completely to your own likes and dislikes. For a full explanation here's another link.
http://eft.mercola.com/
I've found it immensley helpful, particularly in the midst of maybe a week of continuous and relentless itching that will not stop. The itching is really not too bad today and wasn't too bad yesterday, so I've made several appointments for next week. Just trusting that this improvement will be a sustained one so that I don't have to cancel any of them.I'm purculating ideas for artwork around accepting invitations and having to cancel at the last mminute, but also around the feelings I have about not being there when "everyone else' is. Perhaps a collection of badges.I have an event coming up this Sunday that I really want to get to, I think I will make a badge for each scenario (if I make it there/if I don't)..........off to make another juice now..

UPDATE

This illness began with the break down of my endocrine system. So my Liver, my thyroid gland, my Lymphatic and my Adrenal systems all crashed and because my liver was so low in it's functioning the next available organ for processing toxins, my skin, began to try to cope with the job. This for me meant a severe break out of psoriasis all over my body and I was pushing out poisons from literally every pore. This is still happening but it is less relentlous now that I am attempting to treat it holistically and less violent. However there is a long way to go and I have days sometimes weeks at a time when I do not sleep and cannot function for the continuous extreme and dibhilitating itching. The skin becomes so built up and dry that it will crack open if I move. This includes my face, my wrists and my ankles, making simple things like smiling, walking, just moving too fast very painful. My thoughts become scattered and my memory is very fragmented and I have little energy left for much other than the treatment. When I have more than one full day of treatment available to me , which is a full day of work in itself , I begin to feel a difference and I begin to feel that there is positive change happening. Much of the Gerson work and the work I am doing with my homeopath and with my own way's of thinking at this stage has to be about stregthening the Liver and this is gradual and ongoing.....

by request a picture of me smiling (and looking/feeling normal) can't remember what that feels like

Heliotrope

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MYJEm99MYQ

".....the will to recovery is the natural drive of the organism" Peter Schellenbaum 'The Wound of the Unloved'.

As promised a piece of the puzzle..an explanation. Yes you did see the word enema a few days ago...ooower missus!
The purpose of the enema is to assist the liver and gut to flush out toxins that have accumulated in body tissue . The Gerson diet is so efficient at facilitating this cleansing process that there is a risk that the liver and gut can become over-loaded. So the enema becomes pretty essential. It's not very elegant or glamourous but it does become a fine art. Enough said, for a more in-depth understanding here's a link
http://gerson.org/pdfs/How_Coffee_Enemas_Work.pdf

Today my face is swollen and I didn't sleep all night. I look like a blow-fish and I'm just staring at the hand-crank juicer and wishing the fruit and veg will juice itself............hmmmmn

Custard cream

It's been a really tough week. Another big flare-up which although very unpleasant means that everything is moving forwards nicely. Of course if I was still going the alopathic or conventional route this would have been something I would seek to suppress because of the extreme discomfort and the 'ugliness' of it. My body has been pushing out poisons all week. Out being the key word here. In the midst of it I still do panic, it's easy to forget that this is what's happening just now and transitory. Already on day six something is lifting, there's a shift happening and I feel stronger. I'm guessing there will be a few more of these to come. For now I've dumped some more toxins. Tomorrow I'm going out, no small thing because there isn't an inch of my body that isn't in someway showing evidence of the week's ordeal.More next on 'dumping' I owe some explanations....

Footnote

"It's like coming home to Miss Haversham sometimes, depressing!' To be quite honest I'm so pleased that my son who has flirted with the position that 'literature is dead', is still able to make reference to a well known classic. Result!

"when are you going to get better? it's been years!"

I couldn't have said it better myself. My worst fear, has Dylan become a young carer? Everything I know from 12 years working with Young carers says yes. The hidden caring is the worrying, the adapting to changing moods and states of health for the child. And this will be a stressor for him no doubt about it. Particularly if this experience happens along the pathway of adolescence, in his way, on his mind. My dear son Dylan is coping so well. He is as grumpy and arsey as any adolescent...good boy! and he has worked hard, maybe could have done a little bit more work, on his mock GCSE's good boy! and he is as self-centred and confident verging on opinionated as I'd expect him to be excellent so far...and at the same time I worry because he always feels so guilty. This is one to keep an eye on and try to acknowledge it as we go along. He's a grand lad and I love him exactly as he is. My situation has been so hard for him to witness. I'm aware that I haven't given any explanations of the 'situation' to readers yet and want to promise that this will come over time. I'd like it to be a growing understanding. It all started when having felt pretty below par for several years and two quite big skin flare-ups, I decided on my 50th birthday to do what I thought would be a two month detox..........

This is how I feel today

My days consist of juicing, washing up, enema, skin hydration, meditation,tapping, clearing up, rebounding, juicing washing up enema, skin hydration, meditation, tapping, clearing up, rebounding, juicing, washing up,enema, skin hydration, meditation, tapclearing upbounding, juicwashing upenema, skinhydrationmeditation, tappingclearingupreboundingjuicingwashingupenemaskinhydrationmeditationtappingclearingupreboundingjuicingwashingupenemaskinydreditationappincearingupboundingjuicwashingupenemaskrionmationtaplearingreboundingjashingupenemaskionmeditationtappingclearingupboundingjuicingwashingupenemaskinydratmeditatapcleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhah

outside..

I've had a pretty nasty few days since I started this. So I'm just stealing energy now. I think as with the healing I will not be taking a linear route with this blog. I am also an artist so sometimes it may be wordless. An image may often say a lot more.... this story begins in it's raw state. I am in a raw state right now