This week's lesson learned

Hippy song for the day..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Js2Ef5Ojg

I spent a really lovely afternoon with two people who I feel very relaxed with and I came home feeling tired but nourished in every sense. However the next day my face, neck, feet and hands began to swell and I felt as if I was unravelling again. I found this so perplexing and I felt alerted enough to spend some time thinking and trying to sense if there was some connection. Initially my sense was simply that the effort involved in cycling down there and back, also I tried a couple of foods that I've been steering clear of, was enough to do it..however I couldn't get this feeling that there was more to it than this, out of my mind.

The emotional exploration I've been doing as part of this self-healing has come to a point that is very much around accepting myself, and in particular accepting the way I look when I am experiencing a 'flare-up'. It's a really big job for me to take on and the reason that I am sharing this picture of myself when I am semi-swollen is that I think I've learned a hard lesson this week and I am still right in the centre of it if I'm honest. So it's about vulnerability and for me who it is safe to be that with? I know that my childhood was filled with messages, whether sent to me unconsciously or not, that I recieved as " you are not lovable unless you are perfect" whatever that is. I just didn't realise how deaply ingrained this is for me, and how out of date!! I didn't realise the extent to which my body and mind work together and rally, in order to present myself as (what my twisted mind thinks is) acceptable.
If I'm to continue in this reality tv kind of way, I really don't know yet what to do with this and it scares me to death because my temptation is to go down the panic path of feeling as if I have been stripped down to the bone and that there will be nothing left of me or for me...this is just me inventing stories.
Now I am putting my energy into remembering that I don't need to know yet what is next, being aware is enough for now. On a practical level I am conserving energy for the exciting weekend ahead. The fun begins on Saturday with the start of the Nunhead Open. Artist's dropping their work off all day. wHat could be more exciting!

I find this talk on TED by Brene Brown says alot about what I've shared today in a much more eloquent way than I ever could. Please have a listen if you have time, it's really quite good for everyone!
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1203038