Continuing on the mad magpie journey with thoughts on separation and loss

Breakfast in the park today. A thermos of rose tea and a couple of slices of my homemade beetroot date and carrot cake. What a creature of habit I’ve become. How easily I attach myself to ways of being. I notice that I always circle the park from the right, up and then down. So today I walk to the left. Down and then up. Immediately the decision feels meaningful. I’d been trying to stay with my feelings of separation and loss. But my body has been saying something else to me, something much less adult. Down to something more primordial. There is a screaming and wailing, loud in me. A lostness and a need to be foundness. Now I’m trying to come back up. To find myself again and I’m not sure I can do this on my own. There’s some memory in me that tells me I should be able to work this through alone. At the same time my experience of working with children who’ve experienced early attachment and separation trauma presents itself to me. When I was working with my young clients I would give myself to them as an instrument for change. It’s essential and tender work. Always in it a sense of deep longing. A silent voice that speaks of physical holding. Of a warmth and acceptance that comes from connection with another. I am reminded of the footage of the Romanian orphans recued in 2009. Victims of extreme neglect. They appear to be trapped inside themselves. Inside. How clever of them to hold themselves when there was nobody else to hold them, but the cost has been so dear because the holding has become a holding in. The containing edge has become a prison.

I speak of this because there is something of this in the ending of a significant relationship for me. It was a relationship filled with potentiality. There was a promise contained of actual holding from the outside and it was never realised. This is what I’m feeling and if I listen to what my body is doing there’s definitely a feeling of my life being endangered. A bolting down of the hatches that happens so quickly and imperceptibly. When I experience this my skin flares-up. I feel like one of those transformer toys. Everything’s hardening and clicking shut and there isn’t time to negotiate or reverse the process. It’s ancient and I have to just allow it. But each time, I am observing the mechanism a bit more. I am my own experiment and this will inform my work with children in the future when I am more healed.

So I’m in the park again with all the ones. Good morning to all of my sorrows and I see that joy is always close by. The girls and boys are not part of this story. They’re not part of the rhyme because they are never together. I seldom see more than two at a time. So I’m constantly starting again. ‘One for sorrow, two for joy” over and over again and each time I travel a little further, I feel a little bit more something…

Today's song "No,I regret nothing!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRCYEkA0_q8 Highlight link and right click

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/non-je-ne-regrette-rien-no-i-regret-nothing.html#ixzz3pr3Kfj3J

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing
Neither the good that’s been done to me,
Nor the bad; it is all the same!

No, absolutely nothing,
No, I regret nothing.
It is paid for, swept up, forgotten
I don’t give a damn about the past!

With my memories
I lit up the fire.
My shame, my pleasures,
I no longer need them.

Swept up love affairs,
And all of their faltering,
Swept up forever,
I start again from scratch

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing.
Neither the good that has been done to me,
Nor the bad; it is all the same

No, absolutely nothing,
No, I regret nothing.
Because my life, because my joy,
Today, start with you.

Going out on a limb. Sink or swim..and 75th post today!

Today is my 75th birthday! Not bad.It's no picnic but I'm hanging on in.

Last week with a strong sense of trepidation I began cutting down the amount of steroid cream I mix with my skin cream. I make my own. It’s a mix of Shea butter, coconut oil, Myrrh oil and calendular. Until now I would add a smidgen of steroid cream as I applied it to my skin. As I think I’ve described in previous entries I am aware that this steroid cream has been acting like glue in my system. Actually that’s all it does on the surface too. Steroid cream is basically plastic glue and it kind of gels everything together for a short time until you think you need more. What happens is the skin dries out and begins to itch (a lot) and you feel so desperate that you keep on applying it for the very temporary relief it provides. If you are like me you tend to then go into denial about the fact that the cream is now actually causing the symptoms and you become locked into a cycle of toxicity. Addicted, your body also hates the cream, it attempts to rid itself of it and through the itching, you scratch, hopefully you open the skin and allow the bile to do it’s job in the form of a puss like liquid; the oozeing so often described in the sulphur like ‘exzema’ or ‘psoriasis’ picture. But these generic labels are describing the body’s desperate attempts to rid the body of toxins specifically the hundreds of utterly nasty substances in the steroid cream. These skin expressions are simply signposts to a deeper set of bodily processes that are struggling. So slapping thick lardy creams all over the surface of the skin will merely cripple the flow of lymph and bile further. So if you are like me and your liver, kidneys and lymphatic system are sluggish because of stagnation, the process is already hindered. Like pouring sugar into a car’s petrol tank ,it’s a really bad idea. This is what I’ve been doing because I am so scared of having another flare-up and looking and feeling like a monster again. I feel like an idiot and simultaneously I am remembering to be kind to myself and continue to be open to learning from all of my choices.

I started using the steroid cream last January. I was just out of the Pneumonia woods. My body was desperately trying to clear out the enormous amount of antibiotics and other nasty substances that were administered through a drip during my stay in Lewisham Hospital. At the time I had rightly decided to do just about everything they told me to do because I was struggling for my life. But when I was discharged my body really wanted to flare-up. It was very very intense. I was itching twenty-four hours a day and I was very sleep deprived. I felt very low indeed. So I made the decision to use the steroid cream in order to have some respite. It got me out of a hole emotionally and physically. Now it’s gone too far and I’ve reached a place that I knew I would come to eventually. Everything points to this. I am making great progress with my health but always only to a point and then I just go around and back again. As if one foot is held down.
It’s been 24 hours with absolutely no steroid cream. I’ve been awake for most of the night itching and scratching. I’m feeling strong and calm. I have my caster oil pack at the ready, a good liver soothe.Thamks to Courtney White for this useful link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDZATQEBmVo

I’m back to juicing four times a day and two enemas to help ease the colon and liver strain. I’m whittling off unnecessary activities that might stress me and I’m really remembering to breathe. Particularly to exhale. Bring it on Caroline!

So it’s time to have another look at my self-image. How this ties in with the way I am in the world and how loved I feel. In this I might ask myself what my perception might be of how others view me. More importantly, what my psyche has decided might happen if I am not perceived or ‘seen ‘ in a certain way by others. What I do to me. This is brave territory indeed. Particularly if I am to share it with you and if I do, it is my wish that the next leg of my journey may resonate with some of you. For now I’m closing my eyes and making a promise to myself to keep on writing.
HORRAH HORRAY!
I THINK I’VE CRACKED THE CLICK ON IT LINK THING.TRY THIS FOLKS AND PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT LET ME KNOW HOW YOU GET ON. JUST HIGHLIGHT AND RIGHT CLICK ON THE LINK.

Today’s song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tux7eKFZn30&list=RDtux7eKFZn30 - t=0

Look what i found!

i'd been juicing cooking, soaking washing-up, milling, straining washin-up going mad and blah blah blah and then the rain stopped for a while so i decided to get out of the kitchen and walk it off in the park. i put on my wellies, opened the back door and look what i found outside my back door!I took this to mean that things were going to start looking up.

Later on I was sitting in the beautiful windy park next door to my house. It was the right decision to get out. Here I am again, one for sorrow..the oh!. five for silver six for gold two parts three crows and a lone wood pigeon. ten magpies today. The wind is ferocious and the birds seem to be amusing themselves with flying against it.

i brought a flask of chai this time. My own blend of rooibos, ginger, cinnamon and cardamom. I find it soothes my acheing heart.

There's a dampness now in the atmosphere and a dampness in me. From what i've learnt about my body so far this confirms the continuing stagnation. Things are not flowing in the right way. I'm more aware now that my skin actually feels kind of soggy and my lungs feel waterlogged. i've had my himilayan salt pipe out again. It's a kind of natural nebulizor. It was a revelation to me when I had Pneumonia and the nurses were trying to cultivate a dependancy in me for the nasty chemical version that made me feel a bit like Denis Hopper in 'Blue Velvet'
http://www.amazinghealth.co.uk/himalayan-salt-pipe.html?gclid=CLXhhs-NrsgCFWR22wodcFkNLw

i'm a bit wheezey and there's lots of bile. My liver is not doing it's job as it should a nor is the bile. The bile should be for transporting toxins out but it's too clogged. I know I need to adjust the combination of foods that I'm eating to ease things along a bit and at the same time the synthetic hormones for my thyroid and the steroid cream are glueing up my system. I want to get off them both and I will. I'm definately nearer to having my first consultation with Kathryn Alexander.

i've had to stop bouncing and it's been over a week now, because i've injured my achilles tendon dancing, of all things. Having fun, experiencing great pleasure...hmmnn? This makes a very big difference to the overall climate on planet Caroline and it concerns me because I had hoped that things would be ticking over a bit more independently by now. At the same time i am certain this is a direct expression of my emotions in the context of this ending and this continuing movement forwards. I'm so much closer to what I want and there are things to let go of inthe process.It must be scaring me. Oh the paradoxes!

Last week i wanted to stop everything. Not move. i didn't want to run away from the pain of separation, because this would mean the end and i didn't want an end. I want to honour my feelings and I know in my heart that nothing of real importance ever ends completely. Especially when it's a relationship that has been so profoundly significant. I'm almost half way there on this. Nevertheless I think that one foot is still firmly stuck in the bog.

So my body in it's wisdom has found a few ways to ensure that i do stay still a while. There's a very useful purpose for this because i do not want to carry this grief around with me forever and again, if i give this my attention it feels less violent and less pressing. i am being kind and my physical symptoms instruct me to be more measured with myself. It's a fine balance because if i stay too long i risk dwelling in it and if i rush on too quickly i run away from myself and this weakrens the new sense of equilibrium that I'm experiencing and ultimately the feeling of freedom i am coming to more and more often these days.

Today's song (does anyone listen to these??)An older woman's take this adolescent 'stuff' just copy and paste into your address window
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ciiCyxOJA

Friday the 2nd October.

There's been an ending in my life. A big and brave one too. It's a separation and it's been painful and as I a sit here against a well chosen oak tree I am between the sun and the moon and my emotions again are somewhere between sorrow and joy.

I saw eleven Magpies here yesterday. I was standing under a tree full of them and I sang to them. I sang way past sorrow and into 'Ma aa aa aag pie ee i eee i eee i ee iee' ..Are you supposed to start again when you get to "seven for a secret never to be told"?

Today there were just two. One after the other. They arrived seperately then stayed together but apart. I stood for a moment between one for sorrow and two for joy. With the position of the sun and the moon, in the context of this strong thread in my life, so meaningful. They have not separated either.

I watched the eclipse from the beginning. The merging was so energetic. There was a feeling of immense pressure and a tangible quivering as the sun and moon came together in an agonising pinky orangey red. Then almost as if it had never happened the new day began. The separation had happened. It had been strangely smooth. Effortless even.

Now I can see both the sun and the moon gazing at each other across the sky . To me they seem pleased with themselves. Still connected, still holding the memory of the intensity of their passionate engagement. Their silent relatedness a comfort.

My physical condition reflects this emotional transition I'm experiencing. A new chapter in my life is begining and I have no idea where I'm going from here. There's inflammation and infection in places. In others it's brittle and shell-like. But in parralel I'm discovering more and more places where it is softer and more supple than before. It's a strange mix all in one body and I'm learning to accept the rough with the smooth.

Song for today. Please copy and paste into your address window :The Mountain by the great PJ Harvey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWghMNiJVsY