No pictures no music..just these motherless moments..

How strange and wonderful life is! Having vomited my guts up today and yesterday without really knowing why, I realised that I have experienced moments of "enlightenment" this and last week..I remember to breathe again and I begin to digest these moments in my life that are true milestones if I allow them to be. A beautiful friend tells me of how she recently watched a treasured cyni film of herself. Captured childhood moments stored and re-ignited for her. She is deaply moved. I am deaply affected by her telling of it, what she saw, what she feels, again and now. How in the film she observes that no-one seems to notice or appreciate her as she plays. How alone she feels and how luckily at the last minute she is scooped up and held lovingly by a favourite aunt... My unreasonable sense of abandonment and betrayal when I realised that I had allowed myself to be deceived by certain people who travelled through my life briefly. The builder, the plumber, the doctor, even a friend.... The watching again of a favourite film of mine 'The Hours' a scene where Julianne Moore whispers words, that seem almost incomprehensible, about why and how it was that she came to abandon her children...The teenage women suddenly large in my life. Both in a sense motherless daughters... such rich material for me to digest..I now remember a few weeks back a good friend of mine asking me "do you keep a diary Caroline?". We had been talking of my thoughts and feelings and various healings.

I've had this seminal experience today having listened for the first time to a random talk by Chogyam Trungpah Rinpoch, a universally cherished Tantric teacher. Nothing obviously special in what he is saying however because I found him in that particular moment, everything overwhelmingly has come, or came into focus and I'm trying to stay with all the fragments that came whoooshing together all at once. I began asking myself 'why'? 'why am I here?.."why am I doing this?"

I've been uneasy with this blog for some time if I'm honest. Not comfortable with the venue really and the seeming superficiality of it. My entries are not inauthentic at all, I'm not saying this, but the details are stillhidden as far as I am concerned. And when I think of this I feel really tired and I don't feel like taking part in it at all. So today, now, I am in touch with strong feelings around not wanting to 'hide' anymore. I want this writing to be about me. Who I really am and I don't want to have to worry about what people take from my story anymore. I do this intensive editing of what I say, to myself and it leaves me feeling trapped in a kind of half-light. I just sit in a metaphorical upright chair in a hallway of discomfort and I feel angry and self-loathing and stuck. I don't want to worry about worrying people because ostensibly I am okay. So I'm not going to do that anymore.

The reasons for doing this remain the same. It's about life and living and at the same time I can't live like this anymore. So this entry is a kind of declaration. A solemn promise to myself to tell the real story of me. Again, it may not be linear and sometimes it will seem to be just a page of strange and inert ramblings...but I promise that I will be as authentic as is bearable for me to be on the day and I hope that together we can weave a new story....the right one for me.

No picture today. No music. It doesn't feel necessary and I hope you will, whoever you are like and share this and I will take the meaning of this 30 second long action of yours to be encouragement and support. I'm going to need it!

Swallow pride, breath in and APPEAL! Juicing still juicing..

http://www.prolificjuicing.com/green-juice-benefits/

Yes a great week what with the boiler breaking down again, the discovery of damp in nearly every corner of my flat and then the realisation that the plumber and the decorator had kind of ripped me off, not to mention the shenanigens with the Ayurvedic doctor.

Yes but I'm still juicing for England. In fact if I don't I quickly feel the difference. The health benefits are numerous, which is why I've included the link to some tips about green juicing for those who may be interested. I'm now doing just four a day down from six because I was finding doing six too expensive and exhausting. This time of year the vegetables are giving out about half the juice they normally do and it's costing an arm and a leg, literally. The skin irritation is creeping back up my legs and arms but frustratingly I've had to cut down on the organic vegetables. The last two weeks I've had to order double the ammount to get only not much more than half the juice I normally get. So THIS WEEK if anyone fancies donating a couple of kilo of green apples, carrots, green leafy veg, cucumber, celery anything along these lines I'd be made up, because to be honest I don't know how I'm going to do it after last week's bill.

Very recently I have taken on a new client for arts based counselling, a referral from Social Services and a major step for me. So I am exploring my capacity for work at the moment and the money will go towards paying off one of my many debts. SoundHeart Music School in Forest Hill have very generously lent me a room in support of this and we are already scratching each other's backs by arranging for the same child to have some music lessons while they are there. Good eh! I'm going to try to get some publicity together for their face book page at their request, but I must admit it feels a bit early for me because I don't know how much energy I've got and you can't take on clients and then realise it's too much for you. It just doesn't work that way in this game. I'm dipping my toe in the hot hot water and spending the rest of my time looking out for myself so I can carry on thinking about working.
It was a lovely sunny day for a while today wasn't it..

Hello, Yes!

Exploring ways to hold and contain but mainly survive itching and pain. In my current meditation how amazing to discover that each moment is jam packed with 'material'. In the context of itching for instance, I have learned that just as with pain when your body may twist and tense in response to it, simultaneously contained in the physical sensation there is a mental clinging to a past and a future. I'm aware that with pain (and itching) my body becomes immersed in 'a fearful anticipation of the future' for example that this itch will get worse and worse and will never ever end leading to my head swelling up again and my illness going back to what it was and looking like a monster and feeling like I'm half dead just like before and and and ................But. If I remember to breath into it, even welcome it?, say "Hello" or "Yes?" to it, my body feels this and the same itch begins to dissolve. It really just goes away puff!.It's as if a small child is pulling and tugging at me and the more I try to push her away or ignore her the more persistent and distressed she becomes. If I reach down and say kindly 'yes what is it you need from me?' and I try to feel what it is I'm feeling in the same instance, she becomes calm again. I'm beginning to see a correlation between certain thoughts and feelings about memories and people or things or situations and the intensity of the itching, just like I have with certain foods and substances.It's grounding and soothing and I'm beginning to experience the day to day differently. I experience moments in a more Caroline friendly way, when I remember... and I don't beat myself up too much when I forget. I just carry carry on.

It's been an important week with my emotions. I had a bit of a blip and I really had a bit of a wobble. A situation arose where it became very clear that somebody whom I chose put alot of trust in turned out to be not who or what I expected them to be. This was someone supposed to be guiding me with my healing. I really wanted to relax and have someone look after me for a change. The situation delivered me back nicely to a place in my heart filled with unresolved feelings from the past that needed airplay and space before parking them for good. Useful but very painful too. Better out than in (and dragged around with me where ever I go eh!).

For one reason or another I now have two absolutely amazing teenage/young women firmly in my life and I think they've inspired me because I find myself re-visiting my own teenage years. So I've found myself listening to some choice numbers from the eighties when I ditched the bondage and safety pins, grabbed a chain bag and played with being a soul-girl for a bit. So for today's song here's a performance that's just complete madness to watch. I secretly wanted to be a backing singer and I especially liked this whole production. Costumes to die for! Enjoy.... and dance if you like this sort of thing, I'm going to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=god7hAPv8f0

Heart sleeve: Hello Strangers!

Heart sleeve: Hello Strangers!: Bloody hell it's been nearly two months since my last entry and I'd got myself into a bit of a pickle about continuing this blog. I...

Hello Strangers!

Bloody hell it's been nearly two months since my last entry and I'd got myself into a bit of a pickle about continuing this blog. I want to tell the hospital stay story but I also don't really want to re-visit it. It was so bizarre and scarey. Just to get myself back into the swing, I have taken a massive breath in and plunged back into these pages. This is enough for now.

Today has not started too well. I feel angry and upset. There have been massive improvements, there really have and my hard hard work paying off. However I'm not going to pretend that I don't still have bad days. I still need support and doing this blog had felt supportive. Today I'm tired of battling with my skin's condition, I'm sick of not being able to just get up in the morning and go, without adverse consequences. I'm angry that I can't say 'fuck it", (well I can, and I did on Saturday) and go and scoff steak and kidney pie, chips and peas with my mates in a cafe in Deptford without my body going "Yeurk!!" It sucks!

Today I must do my tax returns, I have an extension from the government on account of my lack of talent with numbers, and today is the last day....probably a lot to do with why I feel like shit. The preverbial 'straw that broke..'thingey.

So I've done an entry of sorts now and just so (I'm) we're clear, I'm still trying to heal myself at home with non- alopathic medicine, yoga, re-bounding, juicing, diet and meditation and the all famous 'backwards' coffees. My circulation is shot, still get blue hands and feet, there's a permanent buzzing in my head, my skin is hanging off, my Lymph system still needs a jump start twice a day and my body is still not absorbing essential nutrients properly. It's truffing hard work, expensive and some days I feel like I'm going insane. But I'm back. I'm back doing the blog, feels good. Keep on keeping on Caroline hah hah!

Todays song, sing along and don't forget to 'head dance'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgLq6d_w4e4