Heart and lungs...miraculous revelations..

Early on this year around January, on the eve of this particular leg of my decisive move towards a more life filled life, I was very in touch with my heart and lungs. I work with a body psychotherapist and a clinical supervisor. Both requirements if I am to adequately support my vulnerable clients. At that time I was also working with a cranio-sacral oesteopath because my physical symptoms were extreme and I was unable to walk properly let alone work properly. I was becoming more and more aware of a sense that there was a real confusion in me around what was safe to take in and what to let go of. This included anything from food to air to love..and I was feeling it physically and emotionally simultaneously. I was also making lots of images around this theme. I had a seminal session with my oesteopath Julia Findlay.http://www.claphamfamilyosteopath.co.uk/
For a full explanation of how cranio-sacral oesteopathy works see:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craniosacral_therapy. Simplistically a cranio-sacral oesteopath works with the body's vibrations. She or he will be highly trained at being extremely attuned to your body's rhythms through a almost meditative 'listening' to and feeling sense of your body involving gentle touch. It is an amazing form of treatment and it works. Anyway I was walking around with this confusion and it was making me very uncomfortable. There were not words then to express it but I knew what it felt like very well. I went for a treatment with Julia because she has helped me to feel more balanced many times before when I had had injuries from falling off my bike, breaking my ribs , my wrist and my ankle to abiding lower back problems. All sign posts from my body that something was already really amiss. I was in a really bad way and after a very deap session she was able to describe to me that she had felt very powerfully that the pericardial chambers to my heart were so tightly constricted that my heart was having great difficulty with circulating blood and essential fluids. So Julia and I were literally quite breathless because this of course is the whole basis of 'unconventional' medicine. Of course the physical and the emotional are so intrinsically intertwined and to have it confirmed that all of my 'felt-sense' of the state of play in my body had a basis in reality was very helpful and awesome indeed...

Today's cheesey song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGJgc6_9sWc

and so my first attempt at explaining the roots of this chapter of my journey to rude health. I hope it's made some sense to you.if not why not take a bold step and leave a comment or question for me. I'd love it if you did.

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Introduction

I'd like to introduce you to my juicing elbow. There's a lump the size of a golf ball now. I think it's a blocked lymph-node from the repetitive strain of the hand cranking. There's no pain when I'm juicing but it does hurt at night, alot. Not a pretty sight and nor am I at the moment. I'm re-visiting the beginning stages of this thing as part of my treatment in order to come un-stuck. I've been stuck. I am addressing some very deap emotional 'stuff' with homeopathic remedies at the moment. There are layers to treat and this is the bottom layer, so vitally important as it is the basis for everything. The foundations are being excavated and re-laid. We treat this and we are treating everything that came as a result..afterwards. It's a profound experience and I've had a wobble this week. I'm working with a new homeopath. I'm impressed with her, she's very spiritual and fey. She sees and feels me, my history my emotional life and I trust her.

I have learned so far that the digestive tract is everything when we embark on a self-healing journey, however underneath this layer always, are the emotions. Every dis-ease has it's roots in the emotional life. So what we are working on right now is key.It can be very scarey indeed I can tell you. I actually look like Marlon Brando in 'The God Father' at the moment, my face is all puffy and yellow. It's not a look I recommend for anyone, specially if you're a girl. Also it really does breathe life into alot of demons for me. It feels as if my skin has aged twenty years and I turned fifty in December. I wasn't planning to age this much in eight months. No time to grieve or try preventative beauty treatments just bamb! "hello you're 70 now love, don't make a fuss!" I'm told it'll all go back to normal, but it's hard to believe. I'm telling you, I'm going to do something really significant to mark the time when this is all over.

Just preparing to leave my gorgeous bedroom this weekend as I have found a really lovely Australian woman to rent it out for a few months. I knew immediately that she was right. I think she'd going tobe a bit of a gift in this house, so not all bad..

Refuse to be held down anymore!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY0tsKCB4lc

THIS SONG MUST BE PLAYED LOUD AND DANCED TO WITH ARMS, LEGS AND TORSO MOVING TO MAXIMUM CAPACITY.HUH!.

There's no avoiding reference to the coffee enema once more..It is a vital aspect of the Gerson therapy and I've had such problems with 'holding on' which means the treatment was not functioning as it should be. I am delighted to announce that after fumbling about and experimenting with some really difficult mind work around being deserving of, recieving, accepting and holding on to love, I have had a week of succesful "backwards coffees" Horrah horrah horrah! feels so good. Now to get on with the buisiness of letting go of what I no longer need to make room for something new. S'what it's all about now.

Proud of myself..

I'm really very proud of myself today because yesterday and this morning I felt close to emotional and phsyical paralysis and I managed to drag myself back up the rocky slope to a more even ground. As I said I am now experiencing the symptoms of thyroid and adrenal fatigue and may need to consider going back onto a low dose of thyroid replacement hormone once I have primed my adrenal gland for a week or so. The symptoms are of very low energy, bloating and swelling around the face, neck, stomach, wrists and ankles, extremely dry skin and hair, hair loss and emotionally feeling very angry, low and defeated. But I had arranged to meet with a ten year old client of mine so as to have a proper ending with him. This is because the head teacher at the special school I was working as arts counsellor at chose to axe my post without warning, leaving no opportunity to give these very wounded children good endings. I have five more to think about and it's so vital because these children really don't trust anyone and they have built a trust with me over three years, some of them, not an easy thing by any means. My concern is that their already powerful script in life is that 'there is no point trusting anyone because people always abandon you in the end', would be further cemented by this terribly brutal cutting off of the safe space they've had in the sessions with me. So short-sighted of the HT.
So I managed to get down to Catford to meet him and it was very up lifting and rewarding to have done this. This boy was my very first client at the school and we've had a good ending today now. Not just for him but for me too. I'm glad I did that one. Then I came home and did some moving and shifting of possessions from one room to the other and a meditation on self healing that I find very helpful. I also managed to bake some yeast free spelt bread and paint the loo floor. Not bad eh?!.
I'm now sitting on the floor in the living room amongst all my clothes and bits thinking what a bloody clepto I am and how I might chuck some stuff out tomorrow. I'm imagining sleeping in here for the next few months..all the while there's this continuous buzzzing going on in my head which threatens to drive me to distraction if it doesn't stop soon. Everything can change in a day.

heartsleeve
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Correction and sad song..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48cTUnUtzx4
I forgot here's a sad song..even though it's thursday..

Correction. For direct to Paypal donations the email is klinezworld@yahoo.co.uk
Thanks to DJ Kat BPM for pointing this out xxx Have a listen while your here

https://soundcloud.com/dj-bpm

Sorry but...

Sorry I'm feeling really angry right now I'm sharing this picture now probably will regret it in the morning, no I haven't been drinking more's the pity, just want to off load. This is my foot today. This is what I have to put up with and I hide the ugly bits I hide away until I'm more 'presentable' and I'm tired tired tired. So I'm putting it out there.. nasty isn't it.

Having said this I am strong and I am coping, I know what I'm doing, I know and understand why..just having a moment. Good night. Over and out.

Dancing and Thank you all!

Today I look and feel like Frankenstein's bride, if I move my head my neck splits. At the same time I feel like dancing as I accept it as a passing thing..it will finish when it's done and I am reminded to stop everthing, accept a bit of dancing, and rest up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_426RiwST8...Today's song.What a mover!

That's this month taken care of.Nearly £100 for that lot. Thank you everybody who so kindly donated. I admit I was worried about where these essentials were going to come from and at the eleventh hour help arrived. I still struggle with a sense of shame in my mind and disapproval at myself. A voice in me asks 'what rigtht do you have to ask others for money so you can continue healing your body? I can't waste energy with this because there really is no turning back now I'm on my way to a life of living and life is so worth living. I don't mind. I will share as much that I learn along the way as I can, because it's been hard work with much trial and error. Developments and improvements in process as I type. The body is amazing and thoughts hold it up....This mind work is free..

I have help which I accept with more gratitude than there are words for. I have love, I accept it on the same basis. Two things I have recently learned to do and both profoundly life changing for me...and there is joy in the process. Horrah! So what, there if is shame around. If I don't mind it give up the ghost and go away.
Please note it may be better if you are thinking of donating to go straight to my paypalThis would be rather than converting to dollars and back again which seems ridiculous. Please email me for details klinezworld @yahoo.co.uk

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Bit scared...

I'm feeling a bit scared because it feels as if my thyroid is going the other way. By this I mean that earlier on in this process I visited well respected Keneisiologist Roger Dyson. For an explanation of this practice cut and paste this link. :http://www.allergytestinglondon.co.uk/
After some extensive testing, together we worked out that I was overloaded with the synthetic hormone replacement thyroxine which was first prescribed to me 22 years ago when I was in my twenties. This is when I was diagnosed as having an underactive thryroid gland and meant that my thyroid gland was not producing enough of the hormone thyroxine which is vital to my whole body's well-being. During the past ten years I have done a lot of non-medical work to strengthen my thyroid gland so when Roger told me that there is now nothing wrong with my thyroid it was not a surprise to me. I had recently changed over to a new medication which was more natural than the previous one I'd been using, however this had come up as a contributary factor in the health picture, so I was gradually reducing the dose. About two months ago I stopped it all together and have had no adverse symptoms whatsoever. However in the past week I have had a shift from not sleeping at night at all to sleeping well and then sleeping like the dead..It's now very difficut to raise myself in the morning and I feel sluggish and bloated during the day. My face is beginning to look 'moon-like', swollen and my neck looks thicker to me and again is swollen around where the tyroid gland is...

All this may sound a bit health-borish however I'm trying to give a sense of the level of sheer risk and experimentation that I need to have in oder to take responsibility for my own health. I am 100% committed to this and it is scarey at times. So I would like you all to join me in crossing everthing, including eyes, that these symptoms are because my thyroid is now feeling a bit stretched as it does the work it needs to do. Often this is the case when a wrong diagnosis is made, conventional medical tests categorise parts of our bodies as "disfunctional' when actually the body is simply a bit tired from trying to heal itself. A good example of this is high levels of cholesterol. It's not always bad. When I broke my ribs my body produced alot of colesteral because it needed it to heal the bones. Anyhoo I'm having a blood test tomorrow and my homeopath and I will take it from there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5CVsCnxyXg Here's a song..that's it for today no jokes I'm afraid..thanks for tuning in..

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Identity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue5jyj_nosc

Sorry I haven't written anything for a few days..have had much burning and itching and cracking and oozing...not nice and have felt very frustrated and angry...I want to be open and reveal the content of these not so pleasant days in the blog at some point but I'm not quite ready..it's enough to stay here in them and not rush away from them..I'm learning so much about myself..I went all the way to Shepherds Bush today to meet a new Homeopath. It was a wonderful meeting and I feel as if I have arrived at the next junction of this wild, wonderful and terrible journey..It was a total of 5 hours travelling through every season though. I still managed to dodge the monsoon rain...Utterley mad in London today! Thanks so much for all your generous support and donations. I am truely humbled

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oh and....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthpicturegalleries/10236948/The-latest-photos-of-the-annual-Perseid-meteor-shower.html?frame=2641524

Thank you! This one's for you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhQU3fgCMXA

Thanks to all of you so far, for your generous donations. It means so much to me and it means that I can stop worrying about how I'm to buy this month's Hope's Relief cream x4 = £56 for the skin mix, Fatty Acid Complex oil, for everthing but also to moisturise skin x2 = £30, Avena Sativa tincture for calming the nervous system x1 =£8, MIlk thistle x1 for strenthening my liver =£15, Thyro complex essential vitamins for my thyroid x1 =£22, selenium for the immune system x1 = £8 and Aquasource blue green algae capsules £27. I don't buy all of these monthly but they had all run out and they do really really work.There's also the coffee for the ah hem.. enemas and of course the fruit and veg which I've managed to get down to £50 a week. All vital for treating the whole body. So THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU SO MUCH FOLKS!

I've added another picture of me looking reasonably 'well' it was taken two years ago...not there quite yet but after an exhausting 17 hour day I did sleep for 10 hours straight last night . Fantastic! Tomorrow I start work on my piece for Daniel Lehan's Kitchen Window Gallery sceduled to open on Sunday 28th September. Currently showing is talented Quebec Artist Josee Dubleau.

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Perseid Meteor showers this weekend!

Footnote for today

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2014/28jul_perseids2014/

Cop a load of this..

Everything is new!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJZcytFvR4c Today's song which I just put on randomly having not played it for a long while...

Today I've been digesting the concept of giving up my room. My sanctuary. I've always felt it to be my santum and I realise today that my sanctum is in me. I carry it with me, it's portable. I can't help thinking of the latest Perseid meteor showers happening as we speak and peaking this weekend. Bits of left over comet splintering off and creating a fireworks display in space. Everything in my home that's supposed to last is breaking or broken..Lights, taps, shower rail, fridge, oven; it's mad and I feel as if there's a massive letting go happening, everything I'm loosing is making way for something new. I advertised my bedroom for rent today. Needs must and it's only temporary hopefully. And the only real question in my mind now is How? I feel strong and my heart feels open.

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Frog in a bucket..

My lovely niece Ava took this. This is a frog that has decided to make it's home in my bucket. My pond has died this year however we discovered today that the bucket is live! I felt so low in energy and a bit miz today and then my nieces my sister and her partner came round just back from Greece and looking like the archetypal aerian dream family, and really boosted my spirits. They're a fabulous bunch and I love them to bits. Just shows how everything can change in just one hour because I'm back in the spirit of change and hatching ideas for fundraising. Now that I've also lost my job I need to be creative with a capital C. I can't help feeling that the frog in a bucket is a sign. Let's see if I can hang onto my home through this latest challenge.. My skin is a little less cracked and sore today after a new wrap I tried last night.

First I did the apple cider vinegar soak in a basin of warm water, see recipe on previous page "beauty tips for creatures of the night". Then I smoothed on a liberal layer of Unrefined Organic Shea Butter from Naissance www.natr.co.uk. It really is the very best and I've tried a few. I then put an qually liberal layer, really plaster it on, of Helios' own Homeopathic Calendular Creme (not lotion, lotion has lanolin and I find is too heavy) The creme really cools things down and comes in a large vat, unlike other cremes that come in a silly little tube and last about a day at 8 quid a go. http://www.helios.co.uk/about/helios-covent-garden I then wrapped the lot in cling film with the crepe bandage to hold it in place and I slept, yes slept for about five hours straight...horray! Anyone who might be reading this and has the inclination to make a donation thank you thank you thank you and please note that your donation will be registered as dollars and so will be less in sterling than you think.

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No sense

I've had a difficult few days that made no sense. Another mini flare-up came from nowhere, don't know why. Perhaps I don't need to keep asking why? The flare-ups are a good sign that things are moving and processsing and I still find it hard to see it this way when I'm in the middle of one because they are frustrating and inconvenient and leave me with no energy or creativity. I have work that I want to make and still haven't picked up my crayons ..

I'm out and about tomorrow again though. A strategy meeting about The Nunhead Tenth Annual Open Exhibition and celebrations. I've been co-coordinating this. We still have no sign of any funding and deadlines are getting nearer. It's looking really good and promises to be a really vibrant weekend of creative events in Nunhead; and we are remembering that we always manage to do it somehow and beautifully without much money at all. It runs from the 19th- 21st September. If I didn't have this to do I think I'd go mad.

http://thesurgery.turnpiece.net/image/40120.

Talking of madness, ex coffee addict meeting in Bambuni in Nunhead. This will drive me mad as I love love love their extra strong coffee and will not be having a single drop. The smell alone may mean they'll have to drag me off in a crissy crossy jacket when it's time to go home! Just realised I wasn't breathing whilst thinking of that one..deap breaths Caroline...

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