Never say never! Should've remembered....

This is what my skin feels like again this week. It's got me by the throat. My previous post "Never going back there" was a red flag to a bull. My body has responded "oh yer that's what you think!" Since mid last week I've felt it coming. There have been all the subtle signs that I now know so well. I've also been weening myself off the steroid cream, replacing it with a new spray by a company called Salcura. https://www.salcuraskincare.com/
The spray is almost all natural so of course much better than repressing what I'm expressing.

So for now I'm back to really staying with and accepting the feelings that come with this state of being. Having a really good look around, because as with the skin that I shed there are more layers and the irritated, itchy scratchyness, the heat and the discomfort, are all my cues to go in further and stay a while. I made an image today. It really helped. I almost vomitted it onto the paper. I was very in touch with a sense that all this itching and scratching, rubbing , scrubbing , bandaging up and covering over, makes me feel held down. To think of it now, immediately I feel constricted. I'm doing this.

This is about an aspect of myself that I have disowned. I have somehow disowned a part of myself, a part of me that I was told was unacceptable, and I have continued with the script. It's not even rocket science when you get to this point is it? So the feelings that surface before, in and around my skin flare-ups are unacceptable to me. I've known this on an intellectual level for some time through all of the work I've been doing to heal . However I've never been here before with the intention to stay a while. 'Here' is where I take a very very deep breath in. And on the out breath I say to myself " bring it on girl! give me your best. Because I don't care how bad or ugly you think you can be, I'm here, I'm listening and I love you anyway! Also...sooner or later you're going to get bored because I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to ever stop loving you. So there ner!"

And this is enough exposure for me today..

And so today..'.I continue to continue'

Today's song...


https://youtu.be/uRv4S0BPMik

This is the view from my bedroom window at Le Sentier Tranquille in the Pyrenees. Two years ago in September I was literally compelled in the most incidental way to find the money and go there. This is when I began meditation. Simon Cole and his wife Linda provided the space and the peace of mind.

http://www.retreats.life-counselling.co.uk/travel_4.html

I started to crawl my way towards changing how I experience life because I'd been aware for some time that the way I'd been doing it wasn't working for me. Everything seemed to derive from a basic template that I'd cleverly put together when I was very young. I could trace everything back to it. I can see this was necessary at the time and it enabled me to survive the environment I was raised in. However now, with care my heart needed breaking into. My skin, my shell, my armour needed laying down...

I lie here now taking in the pieces. The days, the weeks, the year. All the searching backwards and forwards. The finding and the loosing and the letting go's. A moment of clarity arriving to remind me (and us) that there really is nothing else. This is it. This now is all there is and will ever be....The rest is what I choose to make of it.

So today, back into the garden for me. Today I am building a raised bed and planting some seeds. Some chard some lettuces, some herbs perhaps. I'm going to save shed loads of money by growing my greens. Speaking of sheds..It's nearly time I got that shed collected and re-built in my garden...Hey Ho and away we go......

Yesterday I forgot!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZlch5szCUE

"never going back there"

Thanks Mikey Georgeson!



https://youtu.be/niPTEPyJk5c..........Happy Easter bunnies

"never going back there........."

There:

Here:

I went back to Lewisham Hospital last week. I'd had a load of tests done to follow up on the poor state my body was in when I escaped in November '14. circulation not too hot and .... inflammation of Lymph nodes reduced considerably, white blood cell count normal, Thyroid count very improved, heart rate normal, no TB, no Anaemia, no Lupus or Lymmes, gained 5 llbs in weight, kidneys normal. Well done me. The doctor was not interested in how I've done this. He didn't really look away from his laptop. However when I shared that I liked his shoes very much, he disclosed that he really liked my trousers. I enjoyed the art on the walls on my way out. I may contact their Art person, I wouldn't mind making some work in response to my visits.


I invited someone for lunch today. She's an artist person whom I've been aquainted with for years through the Nunhead Open. We're thinking of working together but I also like her very much. I made a delicious nettle soup, some sesame and rye bread followed by a lentil pumpkin coconut chilli and goats cheese stew. I also made a carrot beetroot apple and date cake to have with tea. What a bloody acheivement I say and it tasted good. I have to say the conversation was just the best medicine. I feel energised and nourished. I'm sticking to my plan to do nothing unless it is good for me...


I'm really quite pleased with myself today and life feels damn sweet actually.