This week's lesson learned

Hippy song for the day..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Js2Ef5Ojg

I spent a really lovely afternoon with two people who I feel very relaxed with and I came home feeling tired but nourished in every sense. However the next day my face, neck, feet and hands began to swell and I felt as if I was unravelling again. I found this so perplexing and I felt alerted enough to spend some time thinking and trying to sense if there was some connection. Initially my sense was simply that the effort involved in cycling down there and back, also I tried a couple of foods that I've been steering clear of, was enough to do it..however I couldn't get this feeling that there was more to it than this, out of my mind.

The emotional exploration I've been doing as part of this self-healing has come to a point that is very much around accepting myself, and in particular accepting the way I look when I am experiencing a 'flare-up'. It's a really big job for me to take on and the reason that I am sharing this picture of myself when I am semi-swollen is that I think I've learned a hard lesson this week and I am still right in the centre of it if I'm honest. So it's about vulnerability and for me who it is safe to be that with? I know that my childhood was filled with messages, whether sent to me unconsciously or not, that I recieved as " you are not lovable unless you are perfect" whatever that is. I just didn't realise how deaply ingrained this is for me, and how out of date!! I didn't realise the extent to which my body and mind work together and rally, in order to present myself as (what my twisted mind thinks is) acceptable.
If I'm to continue in this reality tv kind of way, I really don't know yet what to do with this and it scares me to death because my temptation is to go down the panic path of feeling as if I have been stripped down to the bone and that there will be nothing left of me or for me...this is just me inventing stories.
Now I am putting my energy into remembering that I don't need to know yet what is next, being aware is enough for now. On a practical level I am conserving energy for the exciting weekend ahead. The fun begins on Saturday with the start of the Nunhead Open. Artist's dropping their work off all day. wHat could be more exciting!

I find this talk on TED by Brene Brown says alot about what I've shared today in a much more eloquent way than I ever could. Please have a listen if you have time, it's really quite good for everyone!
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1203038

Soap box guinepig skeleton woman

On reviewing the last few months, the start of this 'campaign' deciding reluctantly to ask for support and do a blog I've realised that I may not have been as clear as I could've been about the aim of this venture and of what exactly I am asking for support with..

Following some recent feedback or more accurately the question in response to my campaign, "why doesn't she just claim benefits?' I would like to respond with sincere apologies for my lack of clarity on this one. I am certainly not asking for donations towards my living costs, and never would. I have this covered. I am still seeing two clients a week and for this I am entitled to a small ammount of Family Tax Credits which I have put in a claim for. I have also now given up my bedroom.

This is a request for support to heal myself. This is a live experiment in self-healing. This a fly in the face of conventional medicine, which just hasn't worked for me. This is a blog from which hopefully many who embark on the same or similar healing path will benefit (once I have worked out how to 'embed' key information in the text so that it is easier for people to find during random searches), this is a heart-felt and sincere research project.

I am a human guinepig for anyone interested and I am going to be, have been, sharing my mistakes and my successes. I am also going to be sharing links to other blogs, companies that supply good products, recipes, philosophies,spiritual teachings, songs, films, jokes, images and more. I am taking huge risks in the name of human progress and I am going to share it all for posterity. This is because I believe with a passion that the more people learn how to take responsibility for themselves as apposed to expecting all the answers to come from the outside, the better the world will become...what a heroic warrior woman I am!

Out visiting my Lungs. This is what I see and feel..

Breathing..the breath is everthing..as I realise I have been holding on to my breath for most of my life. As most of us do, starting with the unecessary traumatic experience of highly medicalised birth..."hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!" This is how we start life..some of us in utero..I can't breath... I forget to breath... my cells don't have enough oxygen..hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!

Heart and lungs...miraculous revelations..

Early on this year around January, on the eve of this particular leg of my decisive move towards a more life filled life, I was very in touch with my heart and lungs. I work with a body psychotherapist and a clinical supervisor. Both requirements if I am to adequately support my vulnerable clients. At that time I was also working with a cranio-sacral oesteopath because my physical symptoms were extreme and I was unable to walk properly let alone work properly. I was becoming more and more aware of a sense that there was a real confusion in me around what was safe to take in and what to let go of. This included anything from food to air to love..and I was feeling it physically and emotionally simultaneously. I was also making lots of images around this theme. I had a seminal session with my oesteopath Julia Findlay.http://www.claphamfamilyosteopath.co.uk/
For a full explanation of how cranio-sacral oesteopathy works see:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craniosacral_therapy. Simplistically a cranio-sacral oesteopath works with the body's vibrations. She or he will be highly trained at being extremely attuned to your body's rhythms through a almost meditative 'listening' to and feeling sense of your body involving gentle touch. It is an amazing form of treatment and it works. Anyway I was walking around with this confusion and it was making me very uncomfortable. There were not words then to express it but I knew what it felt like very well. I went for a treatment with Julia because she has helped me to feel more balanced many times before when I had had injuries from falling off my bike, breaking my ribs , my wrist and my ankle to abiding lower back problems. All sign posts from my body that something was already really amiss. I was in a really bad way and after a very deap session she was able to describe to me that she had felt very powerfully that the pericardial chambers to my heart were so tightly constricted that my heart was having great difficulty with circulating blood and essential fluids. So Julia and I were literally quite breathless because this of course is the whole basis of 'unconventional' medicine. Of course the physical and the emotional are so intrinsically intertwined and to have it confirmed that all of my 'felt-sense' of the state of play in my body had a basis in reality was very helpful and awesome indeed...

Today's cheesey song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGJgc6_9sWc

and so my first attempt at explaining the roots of this chapter of my journey to rude health. I hope it's made some sense to you.if not why not take a bold step and leave a comment or question for me. I'd love it if you did.

http://helpfundme.com/?download=heartsleeve
$245.00
PLEDGED OF $13,000.00 GOAL

Introduction

I'd like to introduce you to my juicing elbow. There's a lump the size of a golf ball now. I think it's a blocked lymph-node from the repetitive strain of the hand cranking. There's no pain when I'm juicing but it does hurt at night, alot. Not a pretty sight and nor am I at the moment. I'm re-visiting the beginning stages of this thing as part of my treatment in order to come un-stuck. I've been stuck. I am addressing some very deap emotional 'stuff' with homeopathic remedies at the moment. There are layers to treat and this is the bottom layer, so vitally important as it is the basis for everything. The foundations are being excavated and re-laid. We treat this and we are treating everything that came as a result..afterwards. It's a profound experience and I've had a wobble this week. I'm working with a new homeopath. I'm impressed with her, she's very spiritual and fey. She sees and feels me, my history my emotional life and I trust her.

I have learned so far that the digestive tract is everything when we embark on a self-healing journey, however underneath this layer always, are the emotions. Every dis-ease has it's roots in the emotional life. So what we are working on right now is key.It can be very scarey indeed I can tell you. I actually look like Marlon Brando in 'The God Father' at the moment, my face is all puffy and yellow. It's not a look I recommend for anyone, specially if you're a girl. Also it really does breathe life into alot of demons for me. It feels as if my skin has aged twenty years and I turned fifty in December. I wasn't planning to age this much in eight months. No time to grieve or try preventative beauty treatments just bamb! "hello you're 70 now love, don't make a fuss!" I'm told it'll all go back to normal, but it's hard to believe. I'm telling you, I'm going to do something really significant to mark the time when this is all over.

Just preparing to leave my gorgeous bedroom this weekend as I have found a really lovely Australian woman to rent it out for a few months. I knew immediately that she was right. I think she'd going tobe a bit of a gift in this house, so not all bad..

Refuse to be held down anymore!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY0tsKCB4lc

THIS SONG MUST BE PLAYED LOUD AND DANCED TO WITH ARMS, LEGS AND TORSO MOVING TO MAXIMUM CAPACITY.HUH!.

There's no avoiding reference to the coffee enema once more..It is a vital aspect of the Gerson therapy and I've had such problems with 'holding on' which means the treatment was not functioning as it should be. I am delighted to announce that after fumbling about and experimenting with some really difficult mind work around being deserving of, recieving, accepting and holding on to love, I have had a week of succesful "backwards coffees" Horrah horrah horrah! feels so good. Now to get on with the buisiness of letting go of what I no longer need to make room for something new. S'what it's all about now.

Proud of myself..

I'm really very proud of myself today because yesterday and this morning I felt close to emotional and phsyical paralysis and I managed to drag myself back up the rocky slope to a more even ground. As I said I am now experiencing the symptoms of thyroid and adrenal fatigue and may need to consider going back onto a low dose of thyroid replacement hormone once I have primed my adrenal gland for a week or so. The symptoms are of very low energy, bloating and swelling around the face, neck, stomach, wrists and ankles, extremely dry skin and hair, hair loss and emotionally feeling very angry, low and defeated. But I had arranged to meet with a ten year old client of mine so as to have a proper ending with him. This is because the head teacher at the special school I was working as arts counsellor at chose to axe my post without warning, leaving no opportunity to give these very wounded children good endings. I have five more to think about and it's so vital because these children really don't trust anyone and they have built a trust with me over three years, some of them, not an easy thing by any means. My concern is that their already powerful script in life is that 'there is no point trusting anyone because people always abandon you in the end', would be further cemented by this terribly brutal cutting off of the safe space they've had in the sessions with me. So short-sighted of the HT.
So I managed to get down to Catford to meet him and it was very up lifting and rewarding to have done this. This boy was my very first client at the school and we've had a good ending today now. Not just for him but for me too. I'm glad I did that one. Then I came home and did some moving and shifting of possessions from one room to the other and a meditation on self healing that I find very helpful. I also managed to bake some yeast free spelt bread and paint the loo floor. Not bad eh?!.
I'm now sitting on the floor in the living room amongst all my clothes and bits thinking what a bloody clepto I am and how I might chuck some stuff out tomorrow. I'm imagining sleeping in here for the next few months..all the while there's this continuous buzzzing going on in my head which threatens to drive me to distraction if it doesn't stop soon. Everything can change in a day.

heartsleeve
helpfundme.com
$245.00
PLEDGED OF $13,000.00 GOAL