Friday the 2nd October.

There's been an ending in my life. A big and brave one too. It's a separation and it's been painful and as I a sit here against a well chosen oak tree I am between the sun and the moon and my emotions again are somewhere between sorrow and joy.

I saw eleven Magpies here yesterday. I was standing under a tree full of them and I sang to them. I sang way past sorrow and into 'Ma aa aa aag pie ee i eee i eee i ee iee' ..Are you supposed to start again when you get to "seven for a secret never to be told"?

Today there were just two. One after the other. They arrived seperately then stayed together but apart. I stood for a moment between one for sorrow and two for joy. With the position of the sun and the moon, in the context of this strong thread in my life, so meaningful. They have not separated either.

I watched the eclipse from the beginning. The merging was so energetic. There was a feeling of immense pressure and a tangible quivering as the sun and moon came together in an agonising pinky orangey red. Then almost as if it had never happened the new day began. The separation had happened. It had been strangely smooth. Effortless even.

Now I can see both the sun and the moon gazing at each other across the sky . To me they seem pleased with themselves. Still connected, still holding the memory of the intensity of their passionate engagement. Their silent relatedness a comfort.

My physical condition reflects this emotional transition I'm experiencing. A new chapter in my life is begining and I have no idea where I'm going from here. There's inflammation and infection in places. In others it's brittle and shell-like. But in parralel I'm discovering more and more places where it is softer and more supple than before. It's a strange mix all in one body and I'm learning to accept the rough with the smooth.

Song for today. Please copy and paste into your address window :The Mountain by the great PJ Harvey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWghMNiJVsY

footnote: One for sorrow

On my walk I saw a solitary magpie. I'm always seeing one. 'One for sorrow'. My mother used to say 'NO!One for joy!' She'd turned it around in her head, she wasn't having it.. Today I stood and I welcomed my sorrow. It made me laugh. I had tears in my eyes and I felt joy at exactly the same time. I've been realising for some time now that my joy and my sorrow are so closely allied that one cannot exist without the other. One for sorrow. A minute? A penny? A big round of aplause? Yes I celebrated my sorrow and I have made friends with it. Sorrow is a gentle companion when you welcome her in. Like a child who needs your love she doesn't cling too hard if you give her a minute or two.

Now and then

Now...

Where am I with my health? Well I’ve been using the Gerson protocol and tweaking it as I learn from Kathryn Alexander’s book ‘Dietary Healing’.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dietary-Healing-complete-detox-program/dp/0980376289
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73g84V2NqMM

It’s sometimes like being in a science lesson and I have to battle with my negative critical inner voice that tells me I don’t do science because I’m not clever enough. That’s a whole healing journey in itself I can tell you!

I posted some information about cell rejuvenation last week because I wanted to communicate how clear and careful Kathryn Alexander makes her writing. This is because she is passionate about food as medicine and she is passionate about enabling people to take responsibility for their own health and as a result the health of the planet. It can be complex and frustrating and at the same time it is so empowering because I’m beginning to see that there is a more profound point to my learning and that there is so much to pass on to others who are suffering with their health, particularly for me skin.

I am taking huge steps. At the same time there is something circular going on. There’s a missing link and I am waiting for the time very soon when I can have a consultation with Kathryn which will serve as an extra ‘leg-up’ as she will have the outside perspective and knowledge to see what I need to do to take myself to the next level. So I am still very sensitive to many different foods and substances but I am beginning to understand how different combinations of foods will affect the functioning of my body and it’s healing capacity; so this is how I am striving to create a set of unique conditions. I understand that I can’t ask my body to do things that it is not yet strong enough to do. It’s like taking an undernourished, dehydrated, traumatised donkey and putting a fridge on it’s back. Obviously the donkey will collapse under the weight of the fridge. But perhaps if you were to feed, water and love the donkey for a while eventually you might be able to think about how that donkey could help you to transport that fridge to where you want to go with it. It might be a bit of a clumsy metaphor but you see what I’m saying.

My skin is much improved however I am still using diluted steroid cream on it and this is not good. Basically I’m eating it, so you can see how this might hinder the building of the cellular conditions I am trying to create with different foods. Also I am still taking artificial hormones for my thyroid gland, which is deficient, and this too will hinder things as my body doesn’t really know what to do with it, and so in trying to find where to put it, it becomes side-tracked away from it’s main task which is to heal. These are big factors amongst others and Kathryn will help me to understand and see what the next steps are. I was already very unwell when I last tried to get off the synthetic Thyroxin, so there is fear in me about making another attempt and becoming very ill. However I am almost ready to try again, because I know I am so much stronger than I was, and if I can remove these substances from my system it will make a very big difference. I just have to look at the photographs from that time to see how far I have come.

Then..yikes! aaaargh!

My energy levels are increasing. This week there was a day, world peace day, when I was out and about from 2pm until 11pm, just having a lovely time with a dear friend and whilst I was very tired I managed. I didn’t feel ill just a bit like an older lady (hah hah!) needed to do nothing the next day, but this is monumental for me! I’m also going to some bioenergetics classes once a week. Bioenergetics is a form of bodywork that enables the release of body trauma and tension. It’s really powerful. After the class we all dance together and it’s not just shuffling about, it’s a full on dance like you’ve always wished you could kind of dancing. The bioenergetics just frees you up to fully enjoy the experience and the music. I noticed last week that my skin was more supple and hydrated the next day. Really significantly because everything has been shaken up and distributed so there is a sense of balance and equilibrium and the body loves it. It’s as if the body is an hour-glass and the sand has got stuck up in the top section (the head) and the exercises followed by the dance serve to shake it all down. It’s fabulous and my body loves it!

So I want to share with you.. the tears of honest joy I let go yesterday morning as I absorbed the realisation that once again a beautiful new lodger has found me. Jane. She’s a bit of a ‘whisperer’. She’s gentle and she ‘sees’ people (and animals, so Bear is happy). She brings a new and good energy to this home already. Just this; but it feels special...

...and how lucky and blessed I feel to experience this new and alive life that I have been coming into. The sun was shining and I hung my white sheets out in my newly washed garden, it rained all day the day before. I brushed and stroked my batty cat Bear, who was chasing the wind and chirruping, clearly delighted with the fresh open air. Then I took a peaceful walk in the park next-door. After this some bouncing, a meditation, yoga, breakfast, vegetable rinsing and juicing, got the coffee brewing and did some skin hydrating massage. The day was mine for the taking. No stress no trauma in any corner of it. How wonderful it was! Today I am resolved to make the day what it needs to be for my healing. A walk in the warm rain to start with I think……

Song for today..not true but I like the song..Alwaysplay loud..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO3hlmEyaiA just copy and paste this link into your adress window

Hello old friends!

Yes I'm still at it..I've been very busy and although I'm really taking big steps forwards I haven't had the energy for lots of other things that deserve my attention. I've kept myself going with the thought that they'll happen when they happen. It's been a while so I thought I'd post an update.

This is what I've been doing if you can spare a couple of minutes to get your head around this it's monumental!..

"The aim in Dietary healing is to restore and strengthen the integrity of the body, to bring it to
a point where:
the resistance of the body is stronger than the resistance of the cancer or disease. Disease only arises when the metabolism of the cell becomes damaged. Therefore restoring the metabolism becomes the main thrust of treatment.
A healthy cell will take up nutrients and oxygen, use fuel for energy and repair, and discard its waste. This constant flow of activity, the intake and the output, is dependent upon meeting energy requirements (nutrients) and maximum efficiency of the enzyme systems.
The enzymes are the workers of the cell. They require nutrients as the tools of their trade. Without their “tools” the conveyor belt of activity may grind to a halt and intermediate products build up. These products are acidic and toxic to the cell. We are describing a situation of nutrient deficiency.
Similarly, toxins may enter the cell, such as heavy metals (aluminum, lead, mercury) or man-made chemicals. These may paralyze the enzyme systems or stimulate a new set of instructions changing the programming of the cell.
A vicious cycle begins. The toxic or nutrient-deficient cell becomes inefficient; the “burning of fuel” is compromised; oxygen is not utilized efficiently; the cells drop into fermentation and create excess
CYCLE OF TOXICITY
Disease
Acidity
Fermentation

Inefficient cells

Toxins/ nutritional deficiencies

Can we reverse this cycle? Yes. Absolutely. But we must ensure a four-fold thrust:
• Restore the oxidative function of the tissues
• Ensure a reactivation of the immune system
• Support elimination of toxic products
• Continue the program until the entire body is restored
Addressing the first two arms of treatment may give control of the disease, but until this burden is alleviated, then no true healing will occur. Similarly, to cease the program prematurely, before the organs and tissues are fully restored, may lead to a recurrence of the disease.

RESTORING OXIDATIVE METABOLISM
This is very simple. When a cell becomes acidic, it becomes more positively charged (acidity is a measure of the free hydrogen ions – H+). This positive shift repels oxygen and potassium, and sodium, water and toxins drift into the cell. This puts the fire of metabolism out. The cell will drop into fermentation and “stew in its own juice.” The acidic cycle is perpetuated.

Rising acidity renders the cell more positive due to the presence of free hydrogen ions (H+ - these are the measure of acidity). This has a two-fold outcome: entry of potassium and oxygen is inhibited, and both sodium and potassium drift down their concentration gradients. The cell loses its integrity as sodium enters the cell along with acidity and toxins. The acidic cycle is perpetuated.

If we wish to reverse this situation we must change the pH to more alkaline state. This will increase the negative potential as the alkaline compounds carry a negative charge. A vegetable diet, along with a high intake of fresh, living vegetable juices with added supplemental potassium (of a specific formula), will not only increase the alkaline reserves within the cells, but also mop up the acidity. Once the negative potential is restored, oxygen is drawn into the cells (oxygen always seeks the negative charge) along with potassium. Then a curious thing happens. As the electrical state of the cell is rectified, potassium binds at special association sites, which in turn, generates its own electrical field. This field pulls water molecules into a formation – they line up in tight layers leaving no room for toxins or sodium. The cell is naturally purified.
Purification of the cell on a high potassium, high alkaline-forming diet

As the cell becomes increasingly alkaline (OH-) (due to the high potassium, high alkaline forming diet) its negative potential increases and potassium and oxygen are drawn into the cell. The oxidative cycle is restored, and sodium, acidity (H+) and toxins are driven from the cell.
"

I'm now close to the point where I can afford to work with an amazing woman named Kathryn Alexander. Google her. She's Naturapath by trade but she's so much more. She and her husband Stephen Alexander are actually contributing hugely to changing the way the world thinks about chronic disease and the treatment of it. They are actually very active right at the top of the chain with convincing the insurance fraternity that food as medicine is a far better approach to the massive massive global increase in chronic illness.

So I'm not sitting around doing nothing, I'm working very hard and I'm slowly getting somewhere and my understanding is growing daily.

So basically I will be the healthiest 'older' lady you'll ever know and I will be marching up the Himalayas in my shorts and jackboots someday soon. Look out World here I come!!!!

Song for today is: Nina Simone 'Feelin' Good" Please play loud and enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs&list=RDD5Y11hwjMNs#t=0

Morning

The Black Salve didn't work. The growth is bigger, harder and seemingly more rooted. Honestly? I'm feeling demoralised. The global picture on planet Caroline is ostensibly good, things are progressing, albeit at a snail's pace, every other day a little victory of sorts and at the same time I'm feeling low in resources. I'm feeling sluggish and fog-brained. I'm itchy and grumpy and tired, haven't slept for three nights now and I can't remember what it's like to not feel my skin.
Today the sun's shining so even though I love my ceramics class with a passion, I'm not going to go because over everything I'm doing, the sun is the best medicine I could take. I will play with clay at home and catch up with the kiln later. So I'm going to go out to the garden now and bounce amongst the birds, say hello to my body, ask it what needs, meditate on that for a while, see what comes up and then I'm going to come back to this blog and write about the difference. Sometimes it's so hard to remember.

This week I went to the dentist. I'd made the huge decision to have an anaesthetic because I needed a crown replacing. The dentist gave me two massive injections for I thought pulling out an old crown and replacing it and then without telling me he did a filling instead of replacing the crown. I couldn't tell what he was doing because I was so numb. When I asked him why he'd done this he said 'oh! I thought it would be better for you' (cheaper for you, you mean mr dentist) ' don't worry book yourself in again and I'll do the crown another day" But the thing is this means another injection! So far I've spent the last two days having a strong adverse reaction to the injections he gave me then. I've also been feeling absolutely livid about the whole thing which doesn't help at all. Got to let go of that. I felt deceived and there is definately a thread around for me. Not being told the whole truth, witholding information, being ripped off and lied to. There have been too many examples lately. I've walked away from a public commission because of corrupt behaviour within Southwark Council, I've lost a client because of a social worker and a school's unprofessional behaviour, I've been ripped off by a builder and taken the piss of by an estate agent and all in the space of a few weeks. It really upsets me. A lot. I am thinking about what it is that I seem to give off that might be permission to disrespect me..hmmmm that's going to be pleasant...

So for now,here is my latest lady.......

.

Blacksalve..another elbow story..The Horrrah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIMlPygBV2o

I've been stealing myself for this..a knowledgeable friend gave me this harmless looking jar that looks like something from 'Alice Through the Looking Glass'..It's Blacksalve, a very potent poison not to be messed with. It's death to cancer and all cancerous cells. It literally 'grabs out' the growth from the root. It's a slow process with reportedly excellent results if you are not in a hurry and you are careful and measured in your approach. Because to add insult to injury, since two years ago when I ill-advisedly did some UV light treatment thinking it might help, I've had several skin growths that have been slowly growing and thriving. I'd tried the old remedy of bananna skin face down on them over night and it's definately held them back a bit but nothing sustained. So I'm going in a bit more assertively now, with respect of course. So watch this space for results in the next few days. Where am I going with this? Well that all depends on where I want to end up.

“I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass

My skin is very active. Yesterday it looked young and fresh,a new layer forming itself. It wasn't inflamed or itchy for half of the day. In retrospect it was a bit tight and a bit bluey in appearance. But it felt good. By the evening it was itching for England again and peeling off in a most extreme manner. Today it's shell like again.. I feel a bit like a Lychee, very vulnerable inside. It's very distracting, I must have the brain fog. I'm good at multi-tasking when I'm like this but nothing gets completed and I get a bit dizzy. I think my Adrenaline levels are very up and down. Today the sun is going in and out every five minutes I can't settle in it..Feels parallel.

So I've mowed my grass, I've bounced with the birds, I've said "Hello' to my toes today (that was unexpectedly emotional) and I'm about to eat my current favourite meal of potatoes cabbage and cumin with a couple of eggs on top yummy. Then I'm going to continue with my wild woman series of ceramics. Here's one I made earlier..

We are open today!

Wooh it's windy today! I bounced on my trampoline in the open air today. I made it a meditation. My garden at the top of the hill, a hidden secret. The perfect place to meditate; trees dancing and waving , the birds swooping around me almost touching my head, the swish of their wings, energy! It's electric out there.

I went to see a quantum healer on Sunday. http://www.mas-sajady.com/

What a bizarre and powerful experience that was. I'm still digesting it. It was a group healing. I had really mixed feelings about the thing on the day and at the same time there was no denying the immense energy that was around coming through him and from all of us and through him again, swirling around the space, like those birds, touching my hair, my skin my fingertips and then spiralling straight through and into my heart. It was as if he put his energy around my spine and then somehow merged and twisted things around a bit. I'm still feeling it and there's a new sense of ease arrived in my meditation practice. An opening and softening.

We were told to expect discomfort these next few days and weeks. He warned us to be careful with ourselves because we were preparing to let go of all that we have considered to be most important to us and this could lead us into a dark place for a while..I know this dark place quite well and I know I can get out of it. So these days instead of running to get the hell out of there I can stay a while and let my eyes adjust to the light . It always seems darker than it is.

So 'we' are open today. Me and my emotions. Firm and grounded and open. I'm letting things flood in and run out again..If there is a clear means of escape stuff comes in. I began to learn this lesson a few years ago when I adopted an abused cat. Bear was terrified of everything when we got him. I worked out that if I approached him from the side, allowing him to look around us and see that he could run in any direction if he needed to, he would allow me to touch him. Whats more I could touch him if I held out my hand and invited him to touch me. We touched each other. So it became a mutual transaction. No victim no perpetrator not potential for pain or abuse. It's like this.

So I'm chugging along still. A new layer of skin is dropping off and it has been extreme. I've had a wobble and I'm alright. Today I'm going back to my painting with brushes.I'm going to put an image I've had on the go to bed..

Today's song it's a corker, one of my all time favourites! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuhWXamkfw8


ANY COMMENTS OR FEEDBACK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THIS SELF HEALING LARK CAN BE QUITE LONELY SOME DAYS