Morning

The Black Salve didn't work. The growth is bigger, harder and seemingly more rooted. Honestly? I'm feeling demoralised. The global picture on planet Caroline is ostensibly good, things are progressing, albeit at a snail's pace, every other day a little victory of sorts and at the same time I'm feeling low in resources. I'm feeling sluggish and fog-brained. I'm itchy and grumpy and tired, haven't slept for three nights now and I can't remember what it's like to not feel my skin.
Today the sun's shining so even though I love my ceramics class with a passion, I'm not going to go because over everything I'm doing, the sun is the best medicine I could take. I will play with clay at home and catch up with the kiln later. So I'm going to go out to the garden now and bounce amongst the birds, say hello to my body, ask it what needs, meditate on that for a while, see what comes up and then I'm going to come back to this blog and write about the difference. Sometimes it's so hard to remember.

This week I went to the dentist. I'd made the huge decision to have an anaesthetic because I needed a crown replacing. The dentist gave me two massive injections for I thought pulling out an old crown and replacing it and then without telling me he did a filling instead of replacing the crown. I couldn't tell what he was doing because I was so numb. When I asked him why he'd done this he said 'oh! I thought it would be better for you' (cheaper for you, you mean mr dentist) ' don't worry book yourself in again and I'll do the crown another day" But the thing is this means another injection! So far I've spent the last two days having a strong adverse reaction to the injections he gave me then. I've also been feeling absolutely livid about the whole thing which doesn't help at all. Got to let go of that. I felt deceived and there is definately a thread around for me. Not being told the whole truth, witholding information, being ripped off and lied to. There have been too many examples lately. I've walked away from a public commission because of corrupt behaviour within Southwark Council, I've lost a client because of a social worker and a school's unprofessional behaviour, I've been ripped off by a builder and taken the piss of by an estate agent and all in the space of a few weeks. It really upsets me. A lot. I am thinking about what it is that I seem to give off that might be permission to disrespect me..hmmmm that's going to be pleasant...

So for now,here is my latest lady.......

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Blacksalve..another elbow story..The Horrrah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIMlPygBV2o

I've been stealing myself for this..a knowledgeable friend gave me this harmless looking jar that looks like something from 'Alice Through the Looking Glass'..It's Blacksalve, a very potent poison not to be messed with. It's death to cancer and all cancerous cells. It literally 'grabs out' the growth from the root. It's a slow process with reportedly excellent results if you are not in a hurry and you are careful and measured in your approach. Because to add insult to injury, since two years ago when I ill-advisedly did some UV light treatment thinking it might help, I've had several skin growths that have been slowly growing and thriving. I'd tried the old remedy of bananna skin face down on them over night and it's definately held them back a bit but nothing sustained. So I'm going in a bit more assertively now, with respect of course. So watch this space for results in the next few days. Where am I going with this? Well that all depends on where I want to end up.

“I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass

My skin is very active. Yesterday it looked young and fresh,a new layer forming itself. It wasn't inflamed or itchy for half of the day. In retrospect it was a bit tight and a bit bluey in appearance. But it felt good. By the evening it was itching for England again and peeling off in a most extreme manner. Today it's shell like again.. I feel a bit like a Lychee, very vulnerable inside. It's very distracting, I must have the brain fog. I'm good at multi-tasking when I'm like this but nothing gets completed and I get a bit dizzy. I think my Adrenaline levels are very up and down. Today the sun is going in and out every five minutes I can't settle in it..Feels parallel.

So I've mowed my grass, I've bounced with the birds, I've said "Hello' to my toes today (that was unexpectedly emotional) and I'm about to eat my current favourite meal of potatoes cabbage and cumin with a couple of eggs on top yummy. Then I'm going to continue with my wild woman series of ceramics. Here's one I made earlier..

We are open today!

Wooh it's windy today! I bounced on my trampoline in the open air today. I made it a meditation. My garden at the top of the hill, a hidden secret. The perfect place to meditate; trees dancing and waving , the birds swooping around me almost touching my head, the swish of their wings, energy! It's electric out there.

I went to see a quantum healer on Sunday. http://www.mas-sajady.com/

What a bizarre and powerful experience that was. I'm still digesting it. It was a group healing. I had really mixed feelings about the thing on the day and at the same time there was no denying the immense energy that was around coming through him and from all of us and through him again, swirling around the space, like those birds, touching my hair, my skin my fingertips and then spiralling straight through and into my heart. It was as if he put his energy around my spine and then somehow merged and twisted things around a bit. I'm still feeling it and there's a new sense of ease arrived in my meditation practice. An opening and softening.

We were told to expect discomfort these next few days and weeks. He warned us to be careful with ourselves because we were preparing to let go of all that we have considered to be most important to us and this could lead us into a dark place for a while..I know this dark place quite well and I know I can get out of it. So these days instead of running to get the hell out of there I can stay a while and let my eyes adjust to the light . It always seems darker than it is.

So 'we' are open today. Me and my emotions. Firm and grounded and open. I'm letting things flood in and run out again..If there is a clear means of escape stuff comes in. I began to learn this lesson a few years ago when I adopted an abused cat. Bear was terrified of everything when we got him. I worked out that if I approached him from the side, allowing him to look around us and see that he could run in any direction if he needed to, he would allow me to touch him. Whats more I could touch him if I held out my hand and invited him to touch me. We touched each other. So it became a mutual transaction. No victim no perpetrator not potential for pain or abuse. It's like this.

So I'm chugging along still. A new layer of skin is dropping off and it has been extreme. I've had a wobble and I'm alright. Today I'm going back to my painting with brushes.I'm going to put an image I've had on the go to bed..

Today's song it's a corker, one of my all time favourites! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuhWXamkfw8


ANY COMMENTS OR FEEDBACK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THIS SELF HEALING LARK CAN BE QUITE LONELY SOME DAYS

Never say never! Should've remembered....

This is what my skin feels like again this week. It's got me by the throat. My previous post "Never going back there" was a red flag to a bull. My body has responded "oh yer that's what you think!" Since mid last week I've felt it coming. There have been all the subtle signs that I now know so well. I've also been weening myself off the steroid cream, replacing it with a new spray by a company called Salcura. https://www.salcuraskincare.com/
The spray is almost all natural so of course much better than repressing what I'm expressing.

So for now I'm back to really staying with and accepting the feelings that come with this state of being. Having a really good look around, because as with the skin that I shed there are more layers and the irritated, itchy scratchyness, the heat and the discomfort, are all my cues to go in further and stay a while. I made an image today. It really helped. I almost vomitted it onto the paper. I was very in touch with a sense that all this itching and scratching, rubbing , scrubbing , bandaging up and covering over, makes me feel held down. To think of it now, immediately I feel constricted. I'm doing this.

This is about an aspect of myself that I have disowned. I have somehow disowned a part of myself, a part of me that I was told was unacceptable, and I have continued with the script. It's not even rocket science when you get to this point is it? So the feelings that surface before, in and around my skin flare-ups are unacceptable to me. I've known this on an intellectual level for some time through all of the work I've been doing to heal . However I've never been here before with the intention to stay a while. 'Here' is where I take a very very deep breath in. And on the out breath I say to myself " bring it on girl! give me your best. Because I don't care how bad or ugly you think you can be, I'm here, I'm listening and I love you anyway! Also...sooner or later you're going to get bored because I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to ever stop loving you. So there ner!"

And this is enough exposure for me today..

And so today..'.I continue to continue'

Today's song...


https://youtu.be/uRv4S0BPMik

This is the view from my bedroom window at Le Sentier Tranquille in the Pyrenees. Two years ago in September I was literally compelled in the most incidental way to find the money and go there. This is when I began meditation. Simon Cole and his wife Linda provided the space and the peace of mind.

http://www.retreats.life-counselling.co.uk/travel_4.html

I started to crawl my way towards changing how I experience life because I'd been aware for some time that the way I'd been doing it wasn't working for me. Everything seemed to derive from a basic template that I'd cleverly put together when I was very young. I could trace everything back to it. I can see this was necessary at the time and it enabled me to survive the environment I was raised in. However now, with care my heart needed breaking into. My skin, my shell, my armour needed laying down...

I lie here now taking in the pieces. The days, the weeks, the year. All the searching backwards and forwards. The finding and the loosing and the letting go's. A moment of clarity arriving to remind me (and us) that there really is nothing else. This is it. This now is all there is and will ever be....The rest is what I choose to make of it.

So today, back into the garden for me. Today I am building a raised bed and planting some seeds. Some chard some lettuces, some herbs perhaps. I'm going to save shed loads of money by growing my greens. Speaking of sheds..It's nearly time I got that shed collected and re-built in my garden...Hey Ho and away we go......

Yesterday I forgot!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZlch5szCUE

"never going back there"

Thanks Mikey Georgeson!



https://youtu.be/niPTEPyJk5c..........Happy Easter bunnies

"never going back there........."

There:

Here:

I went back to Lewisham Hospital last week. I'd had a load of tests done to follow up on the poor state my body was in when I escaped in November '14. circulation not too hot and .... inflammation of Lymph nodes reduced considerably, white blood cell count normal, Thyroid count very improved, heart rate normal, no TB, no Anaemia, no Lupus or Lymmes, gained 5 llbs in weight, kidneys normal. Well done me. The doctor was not interested in how I've done this. He didn't really look away from his laptop. However when I shared that I liked his shoes very much, he disclosed that he really liked my trousers. I enjoyed the art on the walls on my way out. I may contact their Art person, I wouldn't mind making some work in response to my visits.


I invited someone for lunch today. She's an artist person whom I've been aquainted with for years through the Nunhead Open. We're thinking of working together but I also like her very much. I made a delicious nettle soup, some sesame and rye bread followed by a lentil pumpkin coconut chilli and goats cheese stew. I also made a carrot beetroot apple and date cake to have with tea. What a bloody acheivement I say and it tasted good. I have to say the conversation was just the best medicine. I feel energised and nourished. I'm sticking to my plan to do nothing unless it is good for me...


I'm really quite pleased with myself today and life feels damn sweet actually.