Round and around in circles....

Today's song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjPhzgxe3L0.

Bless him, what a poseur. I hear he has cancer now, well that's no surprise to me. I hope he put's that angry belligerent attitude he still has towards healing himself, poor blighter.

I do not want this blog to be miserable, I do not.. I do not want to feel miserable.However there are some days like today when there's just no pretending. I feel miz. Things have taken a turn for the worst over the past month and there's been no let up. I'm on very little sleep and my body is complaining in a most assertive manner. I'm also bored, so bored with this condition; all the hard work. I want to be working creatively but I have no where to work from and just one client at the moment. The offers of a space to work from while I build up my private practice have fallen through and I'm trying not to panic because it appears that yet more of my previous life must fall by the wayside. There's a powerful sense of loss around for me today. Oh me oh my!

I did make it to Daren Callow's wonderful, hilarious at times and very moving show at the Kitchen Window Gallery on Sunday: http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/. Really worth a look.

I also had to get to other appointments yesterday, so I guess this is the fall-out. I went back to see the Kinesiologist Roger Dyson. He did some extensive testing and we discovered that most of the supplements that I am taking are not particularly helpful to my body at the moment and one of them is actually too much for my liver to deal with and is actually causing me more harm than good. This is because my liver is still very toxic and working very hard to clear out any nastiness in my body. This is what I meant when I spoke previously about the risks of experimentation and there really is no other way than trial and error sometimes. My understanding from Roger is that this is not to say that the supplements will not be useful in the future, just that I need to approach things even more gradually and gently than I have been so far because my liver just can't cope with any extra processing right now. It's really damaged. Roger has also confirmed my suspicion that there is a huge issue with mercury fillings releasing poison into my system. I had suspected this for some time having done some of my own research, because every flare-up seems to start around my mouth, ear and throat, in very close proximity with the fillings. So while the mercury in my fillings is not the cause of my ill health it is a significant factor in the healing picture. This is because the mercury is overriding my body's attempts to absorb essential vitamins and minerals.All this means that all my hard work is being scuppered before it has a chance to work. Please check out the footage of amalgam filled teeth leaking mercury, it's terrifying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnQ-T7oiA Who's bizarre idea was it to put the most poisonous substance known to man in our mouths?? It's all about money of course.

Roger's advice is to have the fillings removed as a priority otherwise I will continue to go around and round in circles. This is exactly what I am feeling like. It's as if I'm in a treadmill. Everytime I get my body to a certain point everything just seems to ping right back to the beginning again and it's really taking it's toll on my skin and my mental health.

The good news is that a friend and I are going to be picking up that free 8ft by 8ft shed tomorrow. I have high hopes for that shed! Fingers crossed I can adapt it into a small work space AND EVERYTHING CROSSED we can actuallly take it apart and get it back here without me collapsing. I have an image of Dylan Thomas's boathouse in mind, fabulous! and staying with the welsh feel here's a joke to make you smile 'Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.'It's not unusual' he replied. Boom boom! See, I will not be defeated!!

I celebrate myself! And NO.I am not dying!

I can't find myself..I liked how I looked here, only last May..and I'm forced to re-evaluate all that I valued about myself. Not much when I think about how upsetting it is to loose my looks again and again. It may be temporary.I do hope so. But maybe not. Ten months feels more permanent than temporary, and I've aged. About ten years.

Yes I've had yet another big flare-up healing crisis thingy this month and it's dragging on, still manefesting and I'm left with pretty low levels of confidence in myself and what I'm doing. I want to go out on Sunday. The lovely Daniel Lehan's Kitchen Window Gallery has another intriguing event. Darren Callow.http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/.23%2Bat%2B16.33.jpg" />

Hello Sunshine!

Lovely bit of Sunshine on my window sill! I'm already feeling the pain that comes with the dwindling of this luscious light and being able to position myself in the afternoon sunlight, bathing my my face fully in it as an aid to my meditations. I struggle with just being and it's so much easier when my friend the sun is shining.

It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything here. I had a delayed reaction to working on the Nunhead Open. By the way the open was a triumph and so good for me. It wasn't the work, I loved every minute of that. However whilst working, for practical reasons, I couldn't keep up my Gerson treatment at all and having to eat meals at all the wrong times coupled with the not so good but immediate and very tasty foods, (thank you Bajan Spice in Nunhead) put a strain on things. There was a price to pay.

Essentially the experience has made me appreciate yet another layer of myself that is sooo in denial and actually downright belligerent about the current state of affairs. My body is vulnerable and I mustn't deviate from the job. It's in the process of some deap healing and needs all the support and energy it can get because reserves are quite low. This is not forever but it is for the time being and healing won't be hurried or messed with anymore. So I was a bit naughty. This week I went to collect my arts therapy kit school. Closure on that one. It was an emotional experience and I needed to do something nice afterwards. A great friend of mine came with me and we decided to go and have a slap-up vietnamese meal with pudding, to cheer us up but also for old times sake. It was delicious; please go I recommend it highly, http://www.cafeeastpho.co.uk/.The week before this I had a wonderful English breakfast, with pudding and with another fabulous friend. I believe that both of these meals, especially the puddings put a huge strain on my system, so the latest flare-up is my body saying "ouch!". Cleansing and detoxing is well underway now and it's not pleasant or pretty..I've learned my lesson and I'm trying to settle into the idea that this is just how things are going to be for a while yet. So any non extortionate vegan style sugar free, wheatfree cafe or restaurant recommendations will be gratefully recieved.

Anyway for now I'm just proud that I've managed a blog entry and hope that momentum will return now that I've done it. I have to admit I've been down in the dumps and pretty demoralised with this latest flare-up. A dear friend sent me this radio programme recording by a journalist with 'skin issues'. It really moved me and I'm left with a sense of longing..If only I could see the beauty in these scars (of mine). Here's the link please listen if you'd like to get a sense of what it's like..http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/radio3/essay/essay_20141014-2245a.mp

Last-ish word..My dear sister Sarah came to visit me today. She allowed me to have a rant and a cry without trying to tidy me up or offer me solutions and she told me I'm beautiful and hugged me whole heartedly....Words can't adequately express how much this has helped to raise my spirits, thankyou thank you my lovely Sarah, you know I'm writing this blog because of you.

DONATIONS NEEDED URGENTLY!

Again as the month progresses the worry about how I will manage to get hold of the supplements and oils takes hold.I am about to run out of Essential Fatty Acid oil for my skin, Bluegreen Algae capsules for essential minerals and vitamins, L-Glutamine powder for gut healing and production of gastric juices , Liver capsules, Pancreatine for digestive enzymes to aid digestive process, and as always organic coffee and organic veg by the truck load (I'm two weeks behind). Paul Cole ( formally of Abel and Cole) of Capricorn Organics is brilliant by the way I recommend him very highly for top quality fruit, veg and much more, to your door.http://www.capricornorganics.co.uk/. Two fingers up to Abel and Cole! over and out for today..

Weirdly...

How interesting and helpful that the last entry, just before the action hotted up on the Nunhead Open http://thesurgery.turnpiece.net/gallery/3229 and my show at the Kitchen Window Gallery http://thekitchenwindowgallery.blogspot.co.uk/, I had posted a picture of my swollen face.. Just this Thursday gone people I came into contact with throughout the day were remarking on how well I looked. I thought that I did too. However I was not feeling good and I'd been getting very little sleep because about a week previously I started to itch very intensely particularly at night. I was feeling very puzzled because this very same day a new flare-up had come on so hard and fast, within a couple of hours, and seemingly without warning. Not so, I discover when re-visiting this blog. The proof is in the picture. I was already experiencing warning signs. I'd conveniently forgotten that I'd also had to cry off during the Nunhead Open hanging days; something I had hated doing. More warning signs. I didn't ignore them but I didn't listen hard enough.


I realise now that I've been having trouble taking this process as seriously as it requires me too. If I'm honest I've been dipping in and out of it according to my committments. I now know that there is a very real cost from taking any kind of work on, even just meeting a friend for lunch or tea means sacrificing part of my treatment. Now that I have honoured my work committments, and I am proud that I have, I am making a promise to myself. Now I must commit to the full Gerson treatment if I am to make a full recovery and this means spending a lot of time with myself and no deviations. The treatment takes up almost every minute of every day and I have to be extremely organised and strong willed. I find this idea scarey because although I like my own company there is a risk of my becoming isolated in the process. That said there is no going back now. No more "oh fuck it I'm going to down a whole packet of visa versa chocolates in one go nobody'll know" incidents at the cinema. Bloody yummy though! No more "what's a couple of missed juicing, coffee and meditation days?". No more messing, I'm getting back on the healing track Jack!

Thankyou thankyou thankyou, you know who you are, to those who have made it possible this month for me to continue with supplementation and skin soothing and hydration. I have been able to pay my grocery bill, buy a bottle of Ascorbyl Palmitate, for info on why:http://www.atoneonline.com/blog/2012/fat-soluble-versus-water-soluble-vitamin-c/, a bottle of Nutri Thyroid natural thyroid support, a bottle of L Glutamine:http://www.l-glutaminebenefits.com/glutamine-benefits-for-the-stomach/, a bottle of Pantothenic Acid https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vitamins/vitamin-b5-or-pantothenic-acid, and four tubes of Hope's Relief Creme to help soothe and nourish itching and enflamed skin and two packets of organic coffee for enemas. Total value equalling £157. I still need four bottles of Essential fatty acid complex, a bottle of Blue Green Algae capsules and a bottle of Selenium capsules total value of £70 and there is an ongoing need for help with coffee and groceries. Any offers or contributions will be warmly recieved..Failing this, short visits, phone calls, blog comments or messages of encouragement always go down well and serve to keep the boat floating.

I wanted this entry to be a bit more entertaining and was coming to that, however itching has become unbearable and I'm going to have to go and either rip my arms to shreds or do tonight's mummy impression with clay and bandage. For now I'm glad we've re-connected and here's a nice song until next time...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdNCHomHlU

This week's lesson learned

Hippy song for the day..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Js2Ef5Ojg

I spent a really lovely afternoon with two people who I feel very relaxed with and I came home feeling tired but nourished in every sense. However the next day my face, neck, feet and hands began to swell and I felt as if I was unravelling again. I found this so perplexing and I felt alerted enough to spend some time thinking and trying to sense if there was some connection. Initially my sense was simply that the effort involved in cycling down there and back, also I tried a couple of foods that I've been steering clear of, was enough to do it..however I couldn't get this feeling that there was more to it than this, out of my mind.

The emotional exploration I've been doing as part of this self-healing has come to a point that is very much around accepting myself, and in particular accepting the way I look when I am experiencing a 'flare-up'. It's a really big job for me to take on and the reason that I am sharing this picture of myself when I am semi-swollen is that I think I've learned a hard lesson this week and I am still right in the centre of it if I'm honest. So it's about vulnerability and for me who it is safe to be that with? I know that my childhood was filled with messages, whether sent to me unconsciously or not, that I recieved as " you are not lovable unless you are perfect" whatever that is. I just didn't realise how deaply ingrained this is for me, and how out of date!! I didn't realise the extent to which my body and mind work together and rally, in order to present myself as (what my twisted mind thinks is) acceptable.
If I'm to continue in this reality tv kind of way, I really don't know yet what to do with this and it scares me to death because my temptation is to go down the panic path of feeling as if I have been stripped down to the bone and that there will be nothing left of me or for me...this is just me inventing stories.
Now I am putting my energy into remembering that I don't need to know yet what is next, being aware is enough for now. On a practical level I am conserving energy for the exciting weekend ahead. The fun begins on Saturday with the start of the Nunhead Open. Artist's dropping their work off all day. wHat could be more exciting!

I find this talk on TED by Brene Brown says alot about what I've shared today in a much more eloquent way than I ever could. Please have a listen if you have time, it's really quite good for everyone!
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1203038

Soap box guinepig skeleton woman

On reviewing the last few months, the start of this 'campaign' deciding reluctantly to ask for support and do a blog I've realised that I may not have been as clear as I could've been about the aim of this venture and of what exactly I am asking for support with..

Following some recent feedback or more accurately the question in response to my campaign, "why doesn't she just claim benefits?' I would like to respond with sincere apologies for my lack of clarity on this one. I am certainly not asking for donations towards my living costs, and never would. I have this covered. I am still seeing two clients a week and for this I am entitled to a small ammount of Family Tax Credits which I have put in a claim for. I have also now given up my bedroom.

This is a request for support to heal myself. This is a live experiment in self-healing. This a fly in the face of conventional medicine, which just hasn't worked for me. This is a blog from which hopefully many who embark on the same or similar healing path will benefit (once I have worked out how to 'embed' key information in the text so that it is easier for people to find during random searches), this is a heart-felt and sincere research project.

I am a human guinepig for anyone interested and I am going to be, have been, sharing my mistakes and my successes. I am also going to be sharing links to other blogs, companies that supply good products, recipes, philosophies,spiritual teachings, songs, films, jokes, images and more. I am taking huge risks in the name of human progress and I am going to share it all for posterity. This is because I believe with a passion that the more people learn how to take responsibility for themselves as apposed to expecting all the answers to come from the outside, the better the world will become...what a heroic warrior woman I am!

Out visiting my Lungs. This is what I see and feel..

Breathing..the breath is everthing..as I realise I have been holding on to my breath for most of my life. As most of us do, starting with the unecessary traumatic experience of highly medicalised birth..."hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!" This is how we start life..some of us in utero..I can't breath... I forget to breath... my cells don't have enough oxygen..hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuh!